Ghost of Christmas Past fired
on 6/19/2003 (0)
In a surprising move that most insiders claim to be "Shocking and Sensational", Microsoft Corporation (the legal owners of Christmas, the Moon, and fourteen third world countries) have fired the Ghost of Christmas Past. Microsoft acquired the rights to Christmas just two years ago and this is the latest in cuts they have made to the popular holiday.
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"It's pretty sad," says Santa Clause, longtime associate and part-time nemesis of the Ghost of Christmas Past. "He was such a great guy. We used to go fishing together... terrible fisherman, but a great guy."
The Ghost of Christmas Past spent the better part of his career working to inspire the Christmas spirit in those who had lost it. Perhaps his greatest triumph came over fifty years ago when the Ghost of Christmas Past and two others helped to convince Ebenezer Scrooge the errors of his ways.
"I'm really a salesman, I'm selling these people Christmas," the Ghost of Christmas Past often boasted. Ultimately though, it was this boasting that may have lead to his problems and eventual departure from Microsoft.
"When we purchased Christmas, we needed to do some restructuring," claims Microsoft Chief Executive Officer Steven Ballmer. "The whole system was a mess. They [the employees] worked one month a year, then just sat around and got paid to do nothing all the rest of the year. Now I may not be a Chief Justice of the Supreme Court or the ruler of a race of subterranean molemen, but I do know that this sort of thing just isn't good business."
So Steven Ballmer and the crew at Microsoft began to restructure the operations of Christmas.
"We liked Christmas," claims Microsoft founder Bill Gates, claims that we later discovered to be false. "We didn't want to change a thing about it. But we needed these employees to do something for the rest of the year."
It's with this thought in mind, and profits in their wallets, that Microsoft began to find positions for the Christmas workers for the non-Christmas season. Each elf, reindeer, Eskimo and troll was interviewed and their particular skills were assessed. Santa was placed in the company daycare center. Rudolph was placed in charge of tech support. The abominable snowman was given some sort of marketing job. Finding a fitting position for the Ghost of Christmas Past proved to be more difficult.
"He kept telling us he 'Sold Christmas'" says Ballmer of the Ghost of Christmas Past. "We really couldn't get anything much else out of him other than he was a seller. So we figured we'd give him a desk job selling Microsoft Office to companies. We thought it would be a good fit, but we were so very wrong."
"Being a salesman, you have to make sales, and you have to make sales quick," says Todd Davison, a fellow Microsoft Office salesman. "That's the problem with the Ghost [of Christmas Past]. He kept doing this weird thing where he'd take people back in time and show them how things were before Microsoft Office. It just took too damn long, he'd spend a whole day on a single customer. And the fact that he was a shackled ghost freaked some
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