Death Star sightings dot the Midwest
on 7/2/2003 (3)
The Death Star was the ultimate weapon of the Empire in the Star Wars saga, a weapon that could destroy an entire planet. Fortunately, the Rebel Alliance was able to put an end to this terrible weapon before it was widely used. The planet Alderaan was the only major casualty of the Death Star.
|It's not really a star, and it's not really death, but it sure as hell is scary. |
For years after the original release of the movie Star Wars in 1977 and continuing through the rest of the original trilogy, George Lucas had often proclaimed that the Death Star was a work of fiction, as was the rest of the movies, excluding the portions about the Ewoks, which were loosely based Lucas's visit to Dallas, Texas during the early seventy's.
"The Death Star is a work of fiction," George Lucas proclaimed, giving us a look that either implied that we were idiots or that he was trying to pass some sort of kidney stone. As a side note, George Lucas also refused to validate our parking, thus filling our hearts with a great sadness.
For years, most people bought the argument that the Death Star was indeed a work of fiction. It even made sense, at least more sense than making Jar Jar Binks a predominate star in the first Star Wars prequel or the casting choice of young Anakin Skywalker. All that changed this very week though, all at the vengeful hands of a rash of Death Star sightings across the Midwest of the United States.
"We was just sitting out on the porch, trying to fend off the moisture farmers and rancors with a pointy stick, when it came from the sky," says crazy man Todd Nelson, who insisted that we call him Greedo and claimed to us that he did not shoot first as Mos Eisley. "This big ole Death Star came a fly'n out of the sky, anal probed my dog, and took off into hyperspace. I knew it was the Death Star because the Emperor told me so in a dream later that night."
"My son was at the park flying his kite," says local mom Sara Smith, dressed head to toe in a nuclear radiation suit for no particular reason. "Suddenly, this huge black sphere swooped down, then destroyed the kite with it's super laser. We were both pretty shocked, I really thought the Empire had crumbled a long, long time ago."
"Me and my friends were pounding down cough syrup when suddenly we saw the Death Star come flying out of Wal-Mart after doing some last minute birthday shopping for the long deceased Grand Moff Tarkin," claims Dirk Spenser, a well respected businessman with a crippling cough syrup addiction and a certain affection for goats. "It gives us them winning lotto numbers and we used the winnings to buy another round of cough syrup."
|Proudly selling bargain priced good to the Empire for nearly three years. |
Sightings such as these were reported all across the Midwest during the past week. Nearly three hundred such sightings were reported. Many of these were even by credible sources, unlike the three previously mentioned reports. Most people were confident that what they saw was indeed the Death Star.
Official word from the government, the same government responsible for the cover-up of Roswell and the introduction of Pepsi Blue, claims oth
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