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Depression therapy as effective as drugs
by John DiMase on 7/29/2003 (0)

Therapy is at least as effective in treating depression as drugs are, and its effects last longer, scientists said yesterday in a report that questions assumptions underlying the use of drugs to treat depression.

The cost of therapy is about the same as drugs in the short term, and cheaper over the long term, the researchers said at a meeting of the Associated American Psychiatric Association. Although in the end I guess its all about who you know, and where you get your shit from. I have a friend who can get you therapy “sessions” for about half what you would pay on the streets of Philly.

''This will be a surprising, controversial finding for many psychiatric professionals,'' Robert Von Rube, chairman of the psychology compartment department at the University of Pennsylvania, said in a statement. During the interview he tried unsuccessfully to stop himself from giggling uncontrollably whenever the word “professional” was used to describe someone in the psychiatric field.

''Most believe quite strongly in the efficacy of medication, and psychiatric treatment guidelines call unequivocally for medication in cases of severe depression,'' he said. He called our attention to pictures of himself two years earlier, eyes glazed over, tied to the back of a short yellow bus. He went on to recount his not at all harrowing tale of over-medication at the hands of those in the psychiatric field. It was not until he had been out of their care for more then a year that he began to show any signs of improvement, and regained mobility in his ass.

An estimated 20 million Americans suffer from depression, which can lead to suicide. Another 10 million are estimated to enjoy it. It is said that depression can lead to demeaning roles on sitcoms meant for either the WB or one of the Fox networks. In reference to this, a statement was released from the American Psychiatric Association, which stated that although drugs may lead to bad acting, therapy was the only proven instigator for watching it.

Rube and Steve Holloran of Van Vander Vanderbilt University in Nashville studied 240 patients with depression to see whether drugs or therapy worked better. After initial information was gathered, both doctors then thought it might be a good idea to try out the same tests on the patients as well. It must be said though that the tests were much more interesting when the doctors were just as heavily medicated as the patients. A special dispensation was allotted for the obvious costs involved when undergoing such a venture. A total of 9 copies of Pink Floyd’s The Wall were worn out during the duration of the study.

''The question that has most often been asked in studies is, `What gets people better faster?''', Second only to the question, “ Would you like fries with that?”, Rube said. ''We asked, `What will keep depression away over the long term?''' which is ranked 56th on the top 100 most Asked Questions In Studies, as reported by the Late Show with David Lettermen.

Their patients got one of three treatments - 16 weeks of cognitive therapy, 16 weeks of antidepressants plus visits to a professional, or 16 weeks of placebo pills plus visits.

Cognitive therapy is a type of talking-out treatment in which patients are helped to question their negative views of themselves. Special non-stick “Who Give’s A Fuck” brick walls were outfitted with dynomatte as well as the usual rubber padding. In cases involving those with pschyzophrenia or Multiple Personality Dissorder, multiple mirrors were installed on the walls and the ceiling, with fun house mirrors not making the usual appearance, much to the chagrin of the bearded lady and the internationally renowned Prozak Monkey’s. After several attempts were made by this office to get a statement from the Monkeys, the cleaning bills quickly grew out of hand from all the feces thrown, and the issue was dropped.

“If their opinion is necessary for t


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