Cereal Maker Sues Serial Killers
on 7/30/2003 (6)
For years serial killers have been running rampart across our nation, killing countless numbers of people for assorted reasons that can only be described as disturbing, wrong, and occasionally sadistic. And it is for this reason that Kellogg's Company, maker of fine cereals such as Rice Krispies, Corn Pops, and Fruit Loops, has recently brought suit against all these serial killers.
|Ted Bundy... not be confused with Toucan Sam. |
"We feel that many people are confusing our cereals with serial killers," claims the lawyer representing Kellogg's, Franklin Myntos. "This is not the case, our cereals have not killed anyone in years, not since the unfortunate release of Special K with Arsenic in the mid 70's and later Special K with Asbestos in the 80's. And most certainly, our cereals haven't gone on multi-state rampages leaving nothing but a bloody trail in their wake."
Kellogg's has even claimed that recent sales slumps are due to this very fact, and are worried that their formerly squeaky clean image may never recover.
"When people eat our cereals, we want them to be happy and be health," says Kellogg's CEO Carlos Gutierrez. "People aren't going to want to eat a cereal that reminds them of the cannibal Jeffrey Dahmer or that Son of Sam fellow, whoever and wherever he might be."
Besides a large cash settlement from all the serial killers of the nation, Kellogg's is also asking that serial killers immediately stop being known as serial killers and instead take on a new moniker, such as multiple murderers, homicidal maniacs, or Microsoft.
Representatives of the serial killers claim these claims to be ludicrous.
"No one is confusing our murderous, bloodthirsty, and sadistic clients [whose veins flow not with blood but with a sickly black substance akin to crude oil] with wholesome breakfast cereals," claims the lawyer for the defendants, Walton Ferrao. "You'd have to be some sort of moron or Spike Lee to think that two things that are so very different are in any way related simply because they have a similar name."
A court date for this case is still pending. When the case does goes to court though, both sides feel confident that they will win, and most American's feel it will be yet another waste of their tax dollars.
"I'm usually too hammered in the morning to eat cereal anyways," claims local drunk Garret Latus. "The outcome of this case won't make a difference to me, or to my failing kidneys."0"<
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