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Ohio enacts tough new drunk driving laws
by Mark on 9/1/2003 (12)

Long known for stiff penalties for such seemingly trivial misdemeanors as littering and soliciting without a permit, Ohio legislators have enacted tough new DUI laws, the likes unprecedented in legal history.

Walter Watts, his hands flat and heavy on the hood of a police cruiser, pondered his next move. He had been pulled over for suspected DUI. Watts, sweat beading on his tightened, furrowed brow, cast a frightened, steely glance up at the trooper, then back down to the cruiser hood.

"K-Kings pawn to bishops 4". Watts declared in a barely audible, rasping voice.

Watts, hand trembling, half dragged the chess piece forward, his mouth dry, tasting of metal.

Trooper Buford Tyler responded, a small grin cracked his normally dry visage, transforming into a grimacing, toothy smile.

"Checkmate, boy!" Put your hands behind your back. You're under arrest for DUI!"

Such scenes have become all-too common on Ohio roadways.

Ohio governor Bob Taft explains:

"We found the standard tests for driving under the influence were only effective when a suspect was really, really juiced. It's my opinion that one sip of beer or wine is too much, so we created a new body of tests to truly determine if a driver is impaired."

Taft opened a logbook and withdrew a legal pad.

"Here are some other methods we plan to enact. A suspect must be able to execute 100 solid center hits on a rubber ball and paddle while singing "Thank God I'm a country boy" without a miss, no excuses for not knowing the lyrics. Or they have their choice of juggling three bean bags, while hopping on one foot while humming 'achter lieber Augustine', or playing 'Sweet Georgia Brown' on the spoons without losing rhythm. I've tried that one myself, and it's a cinch."

Other tests in the works include saying: "If I think, I don't drink, my breath won't stink, my liver is pink" 50 times in rapid sequence without a mistake, and flipping a silver dollar, Vegas handle man style, from finger to finger for three minutes without choking.

When confronted with the seemingly obvious fact that the average human, even stone-cold sober, couldn't likely pass these extreme tests, and that the state of Ohio was just digging in deep pockets to alleviate mounting debt, Taft responded playfully:

"I can roll my tongue, see! Try it, it's easy!"

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1. by feaglin on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
I suppose cutting the stomach open and examining the liver to check for scar tissue, indicating the subject to be a heavy drinker, resulted in too many dead people unable to pay their fine right? I mean, playing chess and watching people juggle beanbags would get boring for a trooper wouldn't it? Every time a smile comes to my lips when the subject of drunken driving in the States comes up... I'm 17 and have been legally drunk twice (and once illegally) and I will never drink and then drive (at least not till I turn 18)< </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>
2. by Mark Motz on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
What compelled me to write this is the new Ohio law that lowered BAC to .08 percent. This translates into 3 beers for the average person. BEERS. How many casual drinkers are impaired at 3 beers? I have a hard time with that </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>
3. by feaglin on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
I find your American beer much like making love in a canoo.... fucking close to water (Ode to Monty Python) </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>
4. by mad on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
fuck bob taft, that stupid lightweight motherfucker, remember kiddies, BE COOL, DRINK BEER!!! src=" </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>
5. by yo yo on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
i'm rather small and get drunk at 3 beersh="0" h </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>
6. by 3Beers on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
Beer is for losers...stick to weed... </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>
7. by feaglin on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
American beer is like shooting deer...shooting deer American beer is like being like....its like American beer is like being me...being me"0 </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>
8. by An Album Cover on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
Yes, most people are not impaired from only three beers, but I still think a .08 bac for driving is still too high, plus penalties are not that harsh, which disturbs me because sooo many accidents every year are caused by drunk driving."0" style </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>
9. by sizerOhio on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
I agree. Ohio IS scrambling to alleviate debt, and I feel the new .08 law is one means. I can drink 4 beers, and be arrested for DUI. That is absurd, and should be unlawful. </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>
10. by feaglin on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
Who wrote that American beer is like shooting deer crap! That wasn't me, it must've been an American posing as me! I know everyone would like to be a Dutchman, but there can only be around 16 million of us so you'll just have to get in line. Unless I did write that but I was so drunk I cannot remember (the message would suggest a certain level of cloudines), in that case, I am really making a fool of myself. As alwaysone </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>
11. by oldtimer on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
In my opinion, Bob Taft Don't have the brains the Good Lord gave a goose. How in the world did an IDIOT like that ever get to be a Govenor. He must have knew someone that knew someone.u </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>
12. by clam on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
Amen. The guy that wrote the previous comment is a literary </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>

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