No being rude near fences
on 10/5/2003 (2)
The US Congress will soon be looking at one of the strangest bills to be presented to Congress in recent years. This bill would make it illegal to perform any rude behavior when within 100 feet of any type of fence (for those metric speaking people, we have no idea what the equivalent measure is, but be suspect it is something like 1,000 kilohertz). Anyone who is caught being rude near a fence will consequently be chained to that fence for a period of no less than three days and face fines of up to half the value of the fence.
|This is a fence. If you don't know that, you should hit yourself in the head with a hammer. |
This bill comes from a small group in Ohio, know as Fences Are Really Terrific (FART), who seem to feel that fences are much more than just fences, and also that fences are pretty good too. FART was created shortly after a series of fence vandalisms rocked their tiny Ohio town, offending man and fence alike.
"Fences have feelings just like the rest of us," claims Doug Smith, a charter member of FART. "If you prick a fence, does it not bleed? If you offend a fence, does it not respond with the most brutal of vigilante justice?"
FART members feel that fences have feelings and are easily offended, unlike Celine Deon who's cold black heart feels no such pain. They feel the rude behavior of humans will anger fences all across the world and are fearful of the grave consequences that could occur should fences rise up and attempt to claim their independence from the human society.
"Just imagine a world where fences no longer obeyed our commands," says FART president Danny Douglass. "Caged animals would be running all over, convicts would be escaping from prisons, and our cruel fence masters would force humans and robots alike to work endlessly in the salt mines for a nickel a week."
Our sources have found that for every one human on earth, there are two fences. This means that should fences mount an attack against mankind, humans would be outnumbered nearly nine to one! In simpler terms, this means that we're pretty much screwed. Members of FART feel that by being nice to fences, such a horrendous bloodshed could be avoided, or at least held off long enough so that some sort of anti-fence weapon could be created.
Opposition of this movement, besides saying that any possibility of fences rising up against mankind is ludicrous, also claim this law would cause widespread confusion.
"What do we consider a fence?" asks one local man. "Is that building a fence? Is that bird a fence? Is that fence a fence?"
Soon the future of mankind being rude near fences will be determined. Whatever the final outcome may be, we can only hope that it is generous towards man and fence alike. And by generous, we mean that we feel that fences are a drain on our economy and should be done away with altogether. s
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