Gene Simmons Announces Presidential Bid
on 11/4/2003 (5)
Inspired by the seemingly absurd election of Arnold "Terminator" Schwarzenegger in California's controversial recall election, glam rock titan Gene Simmons, founder and lead singer of the 1970's power rock band "Kiss" has announced a surprise presidential bid on the independent party ticket. Simmons, bedecked in full makeup and familiar Kiss glitter splendor regalia, addressed a raucous press conference in a packed D.C. Hilton.
A New York Times reporter stepped forward.
"What is your conception of the current state of America ?"
Simmons square centered the microphone.
"The Election of the Terminator in California has shown that media is bigger than reality in America. Since the initiation of mass media via radio in the 30's, the invention of television in the 50's, and the pornographic onslaught of the Internet in the 90's, the road has been paved to greater and greater control of the public psyche to the point where citizens are virtually incapable of formulating opinions with their own intellect and imagination. They rely on media to tell them what is good and evil, what to wear, what to eat, what kind of car to drive, and even to destroy one another."
"My brethren, it is time."
Simmons rose from his chair, bat wings unfolding from his cape.
"It is time for the legions of Kiss fans... the Kiss Army... to awaken and emerge from the stagnant forgotten backwash and sleepy small towns of America and retake the land that is rightfully theirs. America has died, Rock and Roll is dying, a call to arms has been trumpeted to the vanquished masses, and I am here to show the loyal Kiss legions the way home."
A sudden explosion from Ace Frehley's screaming metal guitar lacerated the Hilton crowd. Simmons, suspended by trapeze cables, rose 30 feet in the air, tongue-lashing and fire spouting from his gnashing, painted lips. After a 30 second riff from "Rock and Roll all night", Simmons descended onto a satanic throne rising from the floor, two erupting crimson flash pots ignited, filling the room with tiny mushroom clouds of acrid cordite smoke and blinding light.
Simmons settled onto his throne.
"Are there any other questions?"
A jazzed and jangled Wall Street journalist croaked:
"M-r-r. Simmons, what is your solution for the current disturbing trend of poor academic scores in Public schooling?
Simmons grabbed a wireless microphone, screaming, "ROCK and ROLL!" The podium in front of Simmons split open and a flaming snakehead emerged, scorching a Paparazzi.
Any OTHER questions?
The silent audience stared blankly like refrigerated trout.
"B-b-but Mr. Simmons, aren't you using your Kiss stage show shtick in the same manner that Arnold used his "Terminator" persona to charm and dazzle voters and to intimidate the Press and political opposition?"
"Before I leave, I want to introduce to you my running mate, Mick Jagger"
Before the light from the spotlight had a chance to hit the stage, the throngs of Reporters dashed to the exit, leaving a whorl of floating papers, press badges and stage smoke drifting through the air.
Jagger looked about, puzzled.
"Where in bloody hell did they go?"
Simmons tossed his guitar aside, and swabbed makeup from his cheek with an alcohol pad.
"Don't sweat it, Mick. If we didn't lose them now, we would have when I introduced P. Diddy as Defense Secretary!"
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