Predator for Governor
on 12/1/2003 (2)
In 1987, the Predator dominated the box office with his self-titled debut movie, Predator. Hollywood demanded more, and in 1990 the Predator followed up with the smash hit Predator 2. Most critics consider these two pictures the best two pictures of the past seventy years, possibly even the greatest of all time. While many of the Predator's co-stars went onto bigger solo movie careers and debilitating heroine addictions, the Predator was tired of life in the public eye. And thus the Predator retired to New Hampshire to live with his newlywed wife and raise goats.
|Coming soon to a state capital near you. |
"Goats are nature's most beautiful and majestic creations, next only to rocking chairs and most everything else," claimed a younger, more naive Predator.
Over the past decade though, simple life has taken it's toll on the Predator. The Predator has grown restless and his wife left him for a wookie.
"At first, things were great," it claims. "Then my wife left me for Chewbacca and my goats turned out to be small radishes rather than goats. I didn't know what to do."
While a lesser creature may have mopped about or possibly went on a galaxy wide killing spree, the Predator is no such lesser creature nor does he have the access to the sort of vehicle required to orchestrate a galaxy wide killing spree. After nearly an hour of deliberation over his remaining choices, the Predator has decided to throw in his hat for the upcoming New Hampshire gubernatorial race, whenever and wherever that may be.
"I don't know anything about politics, I'm not even from this planet," says the Predator. "I bring nothing to the table other than an intense yearning to kill. I don't know when the election is, where it will be held, or who my opponents will be. Hell, I'm only assuming that there will be an election, I don't even know that for sure. But this I can assure you, I had two semi-popular movies over a decade ago."
And that lone fact alone may be enough to win this race. Fellow Predator co-stars Jesse Ventura and Arnold Schwarzenegger were both able to attain public office largely, if not entirely, in part to their involvement in the original Predator movie. Both these persons had disappeared from public view since the release of Predator, not even able to land jobs in large budget action flicks or professional wrestling. Then out of nowhere, both returned, reminded their public of their part in the Predator movie, and won their respective offices in landslide decisions rivaled only by that of the crowds rushing out of a Great White concert.
Not content to simply remind people of his past triumphs, the Predator will began his media blitz with the release of the long awaited 'Alien VS. Predator' motion picture in August of next year. Following the new movie, there will be Predator Beanie Babies, Predator video games, and even Predator Monopoly, all designed to boost the image of the Predator and place him in office ahead of countless other far more qualified candidates.
"Basically we're aiming to rekindle the past love for the Predator along with shoving the Predator down the throat of all those new to the franchise," says Luigi Filzen, campaign manager for the Predator. "We feel there are no other candidates with the name brand recognition of the Predator nor any with the sweet dreadlocks. People look for that kind of thing in a political candidate, there's no way he can lose."
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