Did American television drive Saddam to surrender?
on 12/18/2003 (2)
Details are emerging which may suggest that Dharma and Greg had done what 210,000 coalition troops could not: driven him to surrender.
Dazzled and bedraggled, a drooling, disheveled Saddam Hussein was driven from a 6x8 hole in the Iraqi desert by American troops. Rumor spread that he was ratted out by family members, but closer examination of Saddam's rodent-like habitat, and statements later gleaned by interrogators may offer another explanation: reruns of American television had done him in.
Private first class Jimmy Jay Hobbs, swiping at a desert gnat, described.
"When we pulled him outta' there, he was mumbling somethin' about Paris Hilton not wearin' a veil, Jillian Barberi bein' an "impudent slut" and that Clay Aiken got cheated out of the American Idol title. In fact he attempted to attack a portly African-American marine, yelling: "Ruben Stoddard! You impetuous swine! You sing like groaning camel"
Hobbs splatter swatted a quarter size black fly on his neck.
"He also said he wanted to personally behead Terry Bradshaw, that the "Survivor" series was clearly rigged, and that if he saw another M.A.S.H rerun, he'd cut his own throat with a bottle cap. We found hundreds of VCR tapes in his habitat, along with a satellite dish and a programming guide. Poor feller didn't eat nothin' but Skittles and Mars bars for months. It seems like good ol' Western TV finally did him in."
Saddam was lying on his side on a cot in a Baghdad compound, his left leg kicking like a dogs scratched on the belly.
Army doctor Kathleen Lamping added:
"He said he'd trade a finger for a shave and a copy of Readers Digest translated into Arabic. I've seen this affliction in the States, too. It's a newly designated disease dubbed the "Dharma and Greg syndrome", first identified by viewers of that particular show. It creeps on you slowly...a general feeling of malaise, irritability, finally followed by fits of delusional, uncontrollable rage. The only treatment is Xanax and dry literature. It takes several weeks to clear up. I'm sure he'll have a lot of regrets about surrendering when he comes around."
Meanwhile, in a 6x8 hole in Afghanistan, Osama Ben Laden, bleary eyes transfixed on a tiny black and white screen, flipped up and down through channel after channel with blistered fingers until the remote control no longer responded..one0" style="display:none">
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