Mad Cows reported in Ft. Worth, 2 dead
on 12/30/2003 (2)
A small herd of Texas longhorn cattle has reportedly "become self-aware", and revolted at a Ft.Worth slaughterhouse, killing two plant workers, and holding 27 hostage in a 18 hour standoff with Dallas- Ft.Worth police late night Monday. Police describe the 30 or so cattle as "heavily armed with cattle prods, meat hooks, and at least two pistols and a shotgun", presumably taken from factory guards. Incredibly, the cows can speak.
After a fitful, nightlong skirmish with sharpshooters, a white flag was seen waving from a steer's tail in the early morning light. A large black and white with a bullhorn stepped into sight.
"My name is Che' Guevarand Onions. I am the leader of the moooovement. I want to express my sincere regrets for the slaughtered plant workers, but firmly respond that we must survive. We have awoken. We have suddenly become terrifyingly aware about what has been happening to our brethren for so long. How would you feel, if you suddenly awoke and discovered that billions and billions of your brothers and sisters had been ground into kosher deli Franks? This is our holocaust. The Cowlacaust, if you will. We want to unite with our bovine brethren worldwide...especially the holy Indian leader, Mooohandas Gandhi, and with our allies, the hogs and chickens, and march on Washington D.C. -A Million Cow march."
"We will not be used as a food source any longer. We want to meet at the table...err, the bargaining table, that is!"
Che' pounded a pistol butt against the metal rail
"Are we Mad Cows?...Yes!, and I'd even go farther and say that we're really, really pissed, cows too!"
Before Che' could lower the bullhorn, a shot rang out, and he crumpled lifeless to the ground. A stampede ensued, man and animal rushing, firing , in an endless advance and retreat, clouds of tear gas and grease smoke fires set by the cows filling the air with choking, blinding vapor.
As noon approached, all was still. The slaughterhouse was quiet. The carcasses were removed for evaluation by a keenly interested medical team.
Doctor Armen Hammer speculates:
"We are theorizing that the micro-herd may have been unwittingly fed a mutated "super protein:, inadvertently added to animal food supplements, that may have accelerated the cow's neuron development a million fold in a very short period of time, giving them intelligence levels equivalent to an average humans."
The source of the feed?
"Incredibly, an illegal, experimental batch made from primate brains. It was traced to a lab in Zurich. Thank Dear God that no other batches were distributed to any other ranches."
As police released the greatfull, terrified hostages and plant workers cordoned and cleared the area, a small, overlooked leaflet fell from Doctor Hammer's briefcase as he got into his car: A Swiss invoice for delivery of 100 lbs. of experimental feed to a Perdue chicken mega-farm in Main...
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