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Restaurant serves Human Head
by Kris on 1/24/2004 (6) 
 | | Computer generated image of what a human head may look like. | For years, the Smoking Grill has been widely considered one of the best burger joints in all Guillotining, North Dakota. People come from miles away to enjoy their juicy burgers, slightly overcooked fries, and dancing robot squirrels. And that's exactly what Marsha and Ted McNeil expected when they arrived at the Smoking Grill just two days ago. What they got instead would change their lives, and perhaps the entire landscape of the burger industry, forever.
"I ordered the double burger, with extra pickles," says Marsha. "I have a chemical imbalance in my brain that prevents me from ordering anything else."
"When the burger arrived, it looked a little bigger than they normally do," says her husband Ted. "I thought it was just good luck."
"I unwrapped the burger," says Marsha, a sudden look of horror, or possibly constipation, crossed her face. "And it wasn't a burger at all, it was a human head."
"I've seen a burger before, and this was definitely a human head," says Ted.
The couple screamed in horror upon realizing what lay upon their table. When they finally regained their senses and cleaned up their soiled underpants, they reported this incident to the restaurant manager.
"We've never had this sort of thing happen before," claims Max Faux, daytime manager of the Smoking Grill. "I assured the couple that this was a simple mistake and gave them a coupon for a free small order of fries."
 Now the task is to determine if this was in fact a simple mistake or an ill conceived practical joke or some other third occurrence that we haven't even considered. In order to do this, we began by going straight to the man who made the burgers for Marsha and Ted.
"Make the burger Todd, salt the fries Todd, they're always yelling at me," says Jon, who is called Todd due to a glitch in payroll. "Well, I made them a burger they'd never forget... hot off the grill with extra pickles, just the way I always make 'em. Where this human head came from is beyond me, it was a burger when I wrapped it up."
Upon searching the restaurant, we found no indication that this was any sort of intentional act, nor could we locate any individual who was missing a head, though we did find 75 cents behind the malt machine. With all our resources depleted, it seems the truth behind this terrible situation will never be known. In order to prevent such a tragedy from happening again, the Smoking Grill and many other restaurants have now placed signs in their kitchens instructing employees to "Do not serve Human Heads unless specifically requested". Hopefully this measure can prevent anyone else from having to experience first hand the horror that Marsha and Ted McNeil had to endure.
In other unrelated news, the Fast Food Killer, who decapitates his victims at Fast Food Restaurants and leaves their heads on a tray, is still at large.
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