Democratic Party nominates Slack Jawed Yokel
on 2/6/2004 (4)
In a shocking turnabout, Democratic National Committee officials have nominated Cletus the Slack Jawed Yokel for their 2004 presidential bid.
|"Rhonda! Git yer' boots on! Were a goin' to the White House!" |
Democratic National Committee chairman Terry Mcauliffe explains the seemingly bizzare decision:
"We are facing a quandry of the tenth order. Howard Dean and John Kerry are good men. Any reasonable, sober voter can sense that, and that is exactly what the problem is...they are too good."
Mcauliffe took a deep breath, shuffling a stack of papers on his desk like a deck of playing cards.
"We took a good look at our constituency. It's not the truly compassionate Democratic voter that concerns us. It's the fast growing radical-liberal faction that is causing us grief. More and more, we are finding that extreme liberals are going beyond Bush bashing, and are turning on decent American citizens, including the young men and women in our military, to further their own personal agendas...whatever those may be.
Here's a picture of a liberal anti-war rally where the protesters are carrying 'Die Marine Die!' signs and chanting: 'Kill the chimp! Kill the chimp!'
I mean, support is support, but these primates are making monkeys out of us as well. We're supposed to be the party of compassion. The Republicans are supposed to be cold-blooded reptiles, not us!"
Mcauliffe took a picture of Cletus the Slack Jawed Yokel from his drawer.
"We've reached a compromise. We decided on Cletus because he epitomizes the liberal mindset. He goons his way through life, never truly grasping the issues, taking a few moments away from his rocking chair to swig some moonshine, reproduce, collect his unemployment check, and break a window or two. We simply can't offer the American people a competent candidate this year. The chemistry would be all wrong."
When asked if the fact that Cletus is a fictional cartoon character made any difference, Mcauliffe pondered:
"He isn't any more fanciful than the possibility of a Democratic win, and at least he's good for a laugh. I'm hoping that radicalism dies down by 2008 or we may find ourselves nominating Frankie "Malcolm in the Middle" Muniz the next time around."
Richard "Dick in the Middle" Gephardt could not be reached for comment.
~~~ This is writer Mark Motz's 50th Smooth Operator story. Special thanks to MC Kris Steele and Smoothop readers for your continuing kindness and loyalty!
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