America needs you, Al Bundy!
on 2/14/2004 (5)
Addressing a large crowd at the Wanker County, Illinois civic center, America's dad, Al Bundy, answers questions using the logic of Bundyism.
|America needs you, Al Bundy! |
Al stepped onstage, centering the podium microphone with one hand, jamming the other down the front of his pants.
"Life is good...except for me."
A professional looking woman in the front row asked the first question.
"Mr Bundy, My name is Carmen Miranda la Hoya de la Cruz Cardinale. Is it true that you had an unpleasant run in with Hillary Clinton?"
A mischevious grin lit up Al's face.
"You might say that. Men's Journal magazine rated her 'tough guy of the year', and I found that to be a bit confusing..."
"Why, because she is a strong women?
"No, because I never knew Men's Journal rated poultry. We got into an argument about the exploitation of women in beer commercials, and I tried to explain that it was beautiful women who make us buy beer, and women like her who make us drink beer."
Unamused, Carmen pressed forward.
"Is it true that you insulted Hillary's daughter Chelsea?"
"Insulted?...no. I just asked her if she was from the unfeathered side of the family."
"Mr. Bundy, would you say that your wife Peg has played a big role in who you are today?"
"Oh, sure. Behind every great man is a great woman who didn't marry me. The best thing that ever happened to Peg was the Home Shopping Network. It's a little hard trying to drive to the mall with a couch strapped to your ass."
Laughter began to erupt from the audience.
Carmen stepped closer to the stage.
"Mr Bundy, you seem to like insulting women. Can you please explain that?"
"The female body is not to be appreciated, but to be feared, reviled and in the case of most of you, kept totally covered at all times. I was unlucky enough to see Peg's mom naked, and everything went black! I think my eyes were trying to protect my heart!"
Carmen stormed out while the lodge crowd roared
Al took a long, thoughtfull drink of water.
"A fat woman came into the shoe store today. Wanted a pair of shoes for a Christmas party. I told her to stand on her hands, put a star in her butt and go as the world's largest, ugliest tree!"
As the laughter from the crowd died down, Al became suddenly serious.
"I am proud to be an American. We didn't break free from that pansy country England by voting! We did it by throwing their stinkin' tea in our American harbour! And why? Because Americans don't like tea. We like coffee. And Americans don't like wine. We like beer. Ice cold. Ice-cold-best-in-a-bottle-but-fine-any-way-you-can-get-it-belchin-type-beer."
The crowd went silent, the lights dimmed.
"I want to reassure you, America, that Al Bundy is back...never left. Just as sure as the two piece bikini should not be sold without a license, just as sure that Bud's college education will cost me 720,000 dollars, -which is exactly 720,000 dollars more than I have, just as sure as the 4 touchdowns I threw in one game at Polk County High, I have returned to show America the way back home!"
Exiting to a standing ovation, Al turned back one last time
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