Canadian Binary Robots destroy Faketown
on 2/16/2004 (2)
Since 1984, Canadian Binary Robot Teams (CBRTs) have plagued the free world like some sort of flesh eating Ebola virus who's only goal is to eat flesh and promote hybrid cars (see the article Rise of the Machines for more details on CBRTs and their origins). While things have been somewhat quiet for the past few months, the CBRTs have just recently enacted their terrible vengeance upon the small North Dakota town of Faketown.
|Crykee! It's a Canadian Binary Robot! |
Faketown was founded by Canadian settlers in 1876. It is located in North Dakota a mere two miles from the border of Canada. Originally Faketown was part of Canada, but then in 1987, they realized that the settlers had inadvertently misjudged the location of the US/Canada border, thus what they thought to be Canada was actually US soil. Rather than move the entire town again (they had moved it once before when it was found that the town was located inside the stomach of a small child), the citizens of Faketown simply decided to give up their Canadian ways and grudgingly become Americans.
Before February 15th of 2004, Faketown was a small, peaceful town. The population numbered at only 1,072 people. In this town where nearly everyone was related, it was not uncommon for cousins to marry each other. In fact, this practice was often preferred because it prevented the awkward situations of meeting new in-laws. "You don't mind seeing your mother-in-law when she's also your sister, and your uncle," says one proud Faketowner. The prior biggest event to ever occur in this small town was in 1981 when hundreds were burnt to death, drown, and stoned during the inappropriately named "Communist Hunts". The actual goal of the Communist Hunts had been to drive the field mice out of town.
All the peace, all the cousin marrying, and all the small town charm came to a crashing end on February 15th of 2004. As the sun rose and the cocaine farmers began to harvest their fields, a vengeful presence loomed on the horizon. This presence was that of a team of robots. But not just any robots, and defiantly not the friendly sort of robots that clean your home while making sassy remarks or the heavy drinking robots with the tendency for uttering the phrase "Pimpmobile". No, these were the worst kind of robots of all, these were Canadian Binary Robots.
From early indications, the Canadian Binary Robots came from the North through the unprotected cocaine fields. "It seems logical that they would come from the North," said expert CBRT annalist Josh Smith, "They are from Canada after all." It appears that the CBRs set these fields ablaze with fire, likely in an attempt to burn the sweet sweet cocaine that the town depended so much on. The binary robots then spit from their team and individually made their way into the various farmhouses and crack houses spread across the countryside. They proceeded to enter each local and kill those inside with pure unregulated binary power.
"While it is somewhat unusual for the binary robots to break from their teams, it is not unheard of" commented Smith. "Before such an endeavor, the team thoroughly plans out their attacks. Upon completion of each individual's goals, they will return to a central location where they will regroup and prepare their next attack." This appears to be precisely what happened in this si
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