Piss or get off the Message Board
on 2/18/2004 (27)
When I was growing up, my mom had a really disturbing way of driving a point home: "Piss or get off the pot!" was a favorite expression of hers, the meaning of which was unclear to me. She'd belt it out in that screechy barbershop razor voice of hers, and bring the kids, the dad and a house fulla friends down in a squirming cacophony of agonized protest.
|Typical example of Trollus Vulgaris |
My friends would usually leave...can't blame 'em.
But, being a grown up now myself, I've come to appreciate what ol' mom REALLY meant in that acid bath phrase of hers.
That established, ever visit Yahoo! message boards? Go to any story on Yahoo, and, at the bottom of each story is a message board. I really, really believe the guys at Yahoo started message boards to encourage lively, educated debate on the corresponding topic.
Of course things rarely turn out that way, and not only have I come to appreciate the shocking abomination that Yahoo message boards have become, I find myself seeking them out BEFORE I read the story. Why?
Posters, under a veil of presumed anonymity, spill their guts. They tell you what they really feel, not the polite, sugar coated stock responses that you hear in public. That's what I WANT to hear. I want to know the straight truth, the real deal...
I've gleaned some real street smarts from the boards. If a story reads:
"Domestic spending down 3 percent, DOW loses 100 points"
You can expect a post by "felonious_chimp" to read:
"HOW MUCH LONGER WILL THIS BUSH-SHIT CONTINUE, DUMBYA?"
Promptly countered by "napalm_ cornflakes" shotgun response:
"YOU EAT YOUR OWN TURDS AND USE FART JUICE AS GRAVY"
Typed in all capital letters, of course.
Yahoo throws another kicker in, the "recommendation". If you like the post you can recommend it. Getting a recommendation is a coveted social sanction of sorts, and is the crown jewel of chronic, rut-worn posters called "trolls".
What's the best way to get recommended?
Don't write anything intelligent or supported by facts. Even if you construct a solid argument, complete with supporting links, you may only get 1 or 2 recommendations for all the effort.
I've found the best way to get 10+ recommendations is to use one phrase insults ala Schwarzenegger:
"F UCK YOU A SSHOLE" will always get you a few, being carefull to leave a space between the A and the S, and the F and the U to bypass obscenity censors, of course.
Any references to Trailer Trash, lack of education, racial intimidation, sexism, body odor, teeth, or lack thereof, seem to work equally well.
Sounds depressing, and it is, but it's the real deal. It's what's on the mind of the average man on the street. Lowest common denominator? Of course. Lowest common denominator is a tried and true favorite of attention seekers everywhere and everywhen. It worked for Hitler in the last century, and is used with equal, though less lethal effect by Howard Stern, Jerry Springer, Maury Povich, and countless shock jocks and shag hags worldwide. Tell it like it is. That's what mom meant. Give it up straight. Piss or get off the pot.
Before I go and comb down the hairs standing up on the back of my neck, I'd like to offer one recommendation of my own. Never, EVER bring your friends over when moms on one of her warpath days, or you'll never live it down, and let dad get out of the house more often, alone.
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