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My dad, the Pirate!
by Mark on 3/10/2004 (0)

Yarrr...can I have yer' lunch money, matey?
Dad was coming to dinner tonight. Mom seemed a bit more nervous than usual.

"Jimmy! Dee-Dee! stop fighting and sit down at the table! Jimmy, did you brush your teeth like I asked you to?"

I grinned like a zoo chimp on free banana Saturday

"Yerp! twice!!"

Mom set out her best silverware and Limouge China. A knock came from the side door. It was dad! Yay!"

Dad kerplunked in on his wooden leg, a jug of Barbados rum in his hook

"Yarr!! Greetings, me little maties! It warms me heart to see ya' Come say hello to yer' old man, Yarr!!"

I hugged dad by his peg leg. Dee-Dee stayed in her chair.

Mom, her back turned, stirred the mashed potatoes

"Donald...I don't wan't to bring this up first thing, but you're late on this months child support. I don't suppose you..."

Dad pounded his good hand on the table, poured a glass of rum, and speared a dinner roll with his hook. He crammed in a crumbly mouthfull and gave a piece to the parrot on his shoulder.

"Here ya' be, Squawky...here ya' be"

Squawky nibbled a bit of dinner roll in his beak

"Bread and butter! *Squawk!* Bread and butter!"

Dad grinned with a snaggle tooth smile

"We'll get to that lass. You know we swashbuckler's ain't too keen on savings accounts or IRA's. Let me see me little ones."

Dad leered through his left eye, his right one covered by a black patch

Mom sighed, whispering to herself

"Last month the patch was on the left eye. Yeesh!"

I was tickled pink to see dad, Dee-Dee didn't look so happy. Her eyes were opened wider than a bug on a dinner plate.

I lit up first

"Dad! Tell us a story about your voyages! Just like you always do!"

Mom cringed

Dad became suddenly serious, pouring another glass of rum

"Yarrr, lad. It twas' a frozen, foggy night. The air was as thick as pea soup. I could not see me hook three feet in front of me, yarrr... The frozen rain beat down on the decks like musketballs, the waves bigger than the hump of a great whale..."

Mom carved the turkey, quietly muttering

"Here we go...this is the time he picked up a pallet of surplus cheese in Moline"

Dad pressed on, a twinkle in his good eye

"A sudden surge of the sea tossed me ship and crew onto a jagged rocky ledge, Sure to be, we were doomed..."

Mom stirred the mashed potatoes even faster

"That was the time his rig got a flat tire in Des Moines..."

Dad became suddenly hushed

"And then, jest as the great breakers made their way to swallow up me ship and crew, a mermaid came from the foaming sea, and saved our sinning souls! Yarrr!!"

Mom peevishly tossed a wooden spoon into the sink, muttering

"And that would be the truck stop hooker in Toledo!"

Happy as a flounder on Good Friday, I roared my approval

"Yarrr, dad! yarr!! tell us s'more!", dad responding in his finest "YARRR!"

Dee-Dee hid under the table

Mom tossed the plate of turkey on the table with a clang, stammering tearfully

"D-donald! That's enough! Stop filling the kid's heads with your nonsense! this happens everytime you come over! And Jimmy, STOP saying Yarrr!"

Squawky the parrot interjected

"Bullcrap! Bullcrap! AWWWK!""

Dad swiped at Squawky with his hook, sending him flying to the chandelier in a frantic feathery plume. Gently, he held mom's hand to his face.

"Wilma, darlin', I kno


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