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The Future is Now, Suckers!
by Mel S. on 3/16/2004 (0)

The future... Beware!
Time travel. We've all wanted to do it at one time or another. Maybe to go far into the past and punch a dinosaur, or maybe go far into the future and hang out with The Jetsons. One man dared to defy the laws of time, and that man was Dr. Leroy Reiley.

"I was watching the movie 'Back to the Future 2' one day, and I realized something. Could Biff really give himself the sports records book in the past and win a lot of money? But then I realized something else: Maybe I could make a time machine!" Dr. Reiley explained.

Using the latest in technology, Dr. Reiley constructed a crude time machine made out of aluminum, paper towels, and a large photograph of Ted Koppel.

"A lot of people ask why I had a huge picture of Ted Koppel on the test version of the machine. To them I say, why not?" Dr. Reiley said about the photograph.

But the test didn't work. Instead of transporting a monkey into the future, the monkey became highly radioactive and took over Mexico. Dr. Reiley was back at square one, with no time machine and almost all of his money gone. But help came from an unexpected source...

"One day while I was looking for a place to hang a noose, there was a knock at my front door. It was Geraldo Rivera, and he said he was interested in my time machine prototype, and was willing to help fund further research and development. How could I say no to Geraldo Rivera? That guy's a God," Dr. Reiley continued.

But Geraldo was up to something. When Dr.Reiley finished the next version of the prototype, he stole it from him, renaming it 'The Geraldo Rivera Experience', or GRE for short. Thousands of investors lined up, wanting to help get the GRE into stores for next Christmas.

Dr. Reiley continues with a sigh. "I was disappointed that Geraldo was such an evil man, but I guess it could've been expected from a guy who lives in a castle made out of human souls. But what really worried me was that the GRE hadn't really been tested, and it might not have been safe for consumer use."

And Dr. Reiley's fears were correct. The GRE was unsafe, and when used, it would transport the user millions of years into the future, where space pirates and robotic dinosaurs roamed. The time machine was quickly pulled off the market, and all excess copies were stored in a huge pit, next to the huge pit full of the Atari game E.T.

Geraldo Rivera gave a statement about the product. "I'm sorry if the GRE caused you to visit the frightening future where space pirates and electronic dinosaurs battle to the death in a futuristic stadium that flies through the air. If you are mentally scarred from seeing this horrible wasteland of a future, please contact me, and I will send you a coupon for my brand new product, 'Geraldo Rivera’s Fat Burning Grill,' it'll make your food Geraldo-licious."

Although his plan for a time machine may have ended in disaster, Dr. Reiley has already moved on to his next project. "I'm making a soup that looks and smells like soup, but when you taste it, you realize it's really pudding. It's amazing."t0" sty


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