Your Questions 2
on 3/24/2004 (2)
In the never-ending quest to cash in on any sort of fad that may bring us fame, popularity, and cash money, Smooth Operator has now once again delved into the world of self-help. For the past year, we have collected emails from you, the viewer, and now, we have answered all your burning questions with a dignity and grace that hasn’t been seen since the terrible Hindenburg disaster over 67 years ago! Enough with the formalities already… on with the show!
With all the buzz going around about the Mars rovers, what are your thoughts on the exploration of Mars? We here at Smooth Operator are violently opposed to the exploration of Mars. It takes away taxpayer dollars that could be used here at home for things like Nationwide Healthcare, road repairs, and giant missiles that would strike fear into Mexico and all of South America. Those freeloading South American chaps have been living far to long with their peace and harmony, someone needs to teach them the true meaning of fear.
I am terrible at math. Can you help me? No, we cannot help you. And it's not just because we don't want to help you, you are beyond all possibility of help. Your best bet at this point would be to move to a secluded desert island devoid of all things numerical and take comfort in the knowledge that when nuclear weapons destroy all of civilized society, you and your pointy stick will largely be unaffected.
Ever since I saw the movie Jaws years ago, I haven't been able to set foot in the ocean. What can I do to overcome my fears? Why overcome your fears? There are plenty of other activities that have no part to do with the Ocean... things such as jumping rope, riding bikes, or solicitating prostitution can all be enjoyed on the comfort of solid land or in the worst case, on a waterbed. As I always say, if something is scary, you're better off jumping rope or getting a hooker.
I see my parents drinking all the time, but they tell me not to. Why is this? It is obviously because your parents are horrible people who's only real pleasure comes from depriving those around them of enjoyment. Your parents have also probably told you not to sniff glue, stick your fingers in light sockets, and put CDs in the microwave. It's these sorts of strict rules that lead people to become very bored and restless with thoughts quickly turning away from butterflies and candy bars to carjacking and vehicular manslaughter. You need to sit down with your parents and let them know how you feel. It may be hard to talk to them, but without resolution to this issue, a life of motorize mayhem is all but assured.
Every time I go out to the bars, I come back the next morning with no money and no recollection of the previous night. What is going on? Well friend, I think it is obvious. You have been abducted by Aliens. They have come to this planet to steal our money, which is then melted down into solid paper, which they use to plaster the universe with sticky-notes. Years ago, a massive fire destroyed all plant life on the Aliens’ home world and now they have come to our planet for it's massive reserves of natural growing paper. Obviously they can't let this knowledge out or we would burn all our forests in a spiteful retaliation, so they wiped your memory clean of any knowledge of this occurrence.
How do automatic doors at the supermarket work? Automatic doors are not as automatic as you may think. Ever notice those big black mats in front of the doors? It’s no coincidence. Every time you step on one of those mats, it sends an electrical shock to a tiny midget who lives inside the nearby soda machine. The midget presses a button and the d
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