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Missing cupcake found eaten
by Kris on 3/31/2004 (0)

Artist's rendition of the "Incident"
The remains of a chocolate cupcake, last seen three days ago on a South Carolina kitchen, have been located in the garbage behind the apartment complex from which the owner reported the cupcake missing.

Police quickly sealed off the area and began combing streets, parking lots, bus stops, and nearby woods with their guns drawn.

"It takes a real sick bastard to steal another man's cupcake," says local policeman Rob Berling. "We didn't dare take any chances, there is no telling what this criminal is capable of."

Trained dogs were brought to the area where the cupcake, estimated to be seven days of age, was found to search for a man reportedly seen licking his lips. Local media said the cupcake was believed to be delicious.

The cupcake, a tasty mix of chocolate cake covered in thick frosting, was last seen Sunday on a countertop in it's rightful owner's home.

Faketown police chief Hal Ferg said authorities received a call earlier today from a very distressed women who spotted the remains of the cupcake sitting atop of pile of garbage in the dumpster behind Sunny Days Apartments.

Authorities responded promptly to the call but all they found was the paper wrapper from the cupcake and a few crumbs. It was transported to a local hospital where it was pronounced dead on arrival.

Paramedics attempted to revive the cupcake while enroute to the hospital without success.

"Dammit Kris, I'm a doctor, not a baker," commented paramedic Dr. McCoy as he washed the remains of the cupcake off of his frosting soaked hands.

Officer Sean McDougall told Smooth Operator that the cupcake appeared to be a victim of being eaten. He refused to give further details about the incident.

"The cupcake is gone now, there is nothing else we can do," says Officer McDougall. "It is best now if we let the family grieve in peace."

It is speculated that the perpetrator of this crime broke into the owner's apartment while he was at work and stole the cupcake. While there were no signs of forced entry, it is widely known that a cupcake can't just get up and walk away.

Hundreds of volunteers, including many who may have been robots, took part in searches earlier in the week in an attempt to locate the missing cupcake.

The cupcake's owner, who wished to be referred to as "Tony", held a press conference Monday afternoon to talk about the cupcake and to plead for it's safe return.

"That cupcake was always like a cupcake to me," Tony said, tears streaming down his pudgy white face.

Faketown Mayor FakeMayor said the apparent kidnapping was unusual for Faketown, a quiet fake town that had its lowest crime rate in 30 years last year and is usually only known for the yearly "Deonfest" that brings in dozens of Celine Deon fans from all over Canada.

"This is quite unique for us," FakeMayor said. "We haven't had a single cupcake, donut, or pastry reported missing in nearly a decade.

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