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School janitor one cherry away from big payoff
by Kris on 4/2/2004 (0)

Damn you David Hasselhoff, damn you!
A local high school janitor, Bob Douglass, came a mere cherry away from a prize lottery experts estimate to be worth one thousand dollars, calling the second biggest payoff in Jefferson County, Nebraska "no big thing to me."

After a long day of scrubbing toilets and cleaning halls, Bob stopped by the local convenience store to pick up twelve friends (beer) for some high school dropouts and a few scratch-off lottery tickets for himself.

"Bob came in all the time, bought beer for the kids and a few lottery tickets for himself," says convenience store clerk Molly Stevenson. "Sure he won a few bucks here and there, but never anything like this."

A Nebraska Lottery official was on the scene to verify the ticket.

"The ticket is good. Everything is cool," he said. "People try to forge tickets all the time, they try and make the bell look like a cherry. But this ticket, it was legit. I've never seen anything quite like it before."

People all across Jefferson County are ecstatic due to Bob's good luck.

"I'm ecstatic due to Bob's good luck," says one Jeffersonian.

"It almost makes me wish I hadn't left Bob and became a lesbian," says Bob's high school sweetheart.

Despite the town's excitement, Bob has remained surprisingly calm. "It didn't excite me all that much. I saw a UFO once, now that was a site to behold. It was great, up until the anal probing at least."

The thousand dollar jackpot would be the second largest payoff in Jefferson County. Three years ago, Scott Smith, a local pig farmer, scratched off triple golden hams and won a lifetime supply of ham in what may be the most ironic lottery winnings ever.

"Hey, I can't complain," said Scott shortly after winning, "I do love ham."

Bob purchased the winning ticket at the Jefferson County Stop & Go. The ticket had two cherries followed by a squiggly line with a lump on top.

"I think it was supposed to be a snake or something," commented Bob, obviously very confused.

Bob brought the ticket to public attention two days later, citing pressing engagements at school that prevented him from sharing his good fortune sooner.

"There was some bad meat in the cafeteria," he says, letting out laughter that shortly turned to tears. "You haven't seen horror until you've seen thirty ten-year olds simultaneously losing their lunch."

Had Bob got all three cherries, he would have had the option of claiming all the money upfront in a lump sum of $1,000 or in 26 annual payments estimated at about $38one">


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