Vampire Hunters optimistic victory is near
on 4/8/2004 (1)
They have been wandering the face of the Earth since the beginning of time, ready to drain your veins of blood and wipe out human civilization. Vampire Hunters have been working for years to stop them and said Wednesday that they are well on their way with a plan to stop every Vampire, whether they pose a threat or not.
|I hunt Vampires and wear black because it hides the fact that mother didn't love me. |
The first step will be to look for weaker Vampires that might terrorize farming towns, minor tourist locations, or Nebraska expert Vampire Hunter Peter Gammons told the U.S. Senate's Subcommittee on Science, Technology, and Vampires.
In an update on the All Vampires Must Die Program, expert Vampire Hunters told the Senate subcommittee that they are on schedule to putting an end to all weaker vampires that terrorize small and desolate areas.
"These little guys just don't have the power of a vampire the likes of, say, Count Dracula," says Vampire Hunter Simon Belleview. "We can stop them."
By killing many of the smaller Vampires, it reduces the power of Vampires as a whole, much as how pirating Microsoft Office reduces the overall killing power of Bill Gates. This technique will eventually allow Vampire Hunters to face and defeat the likes of Count Dracula and Bryant Gumbel, two of the most powerful Vampires.
"The program officially began years ago and to date many Vampires of an estimated population of a large unknown number have been destroyed, so the effort is now believed to be over some percent complete and well on the way to meeting it's objective of ridding the world of Vampires by an undetermined year," says Ted Weissman, spokesman for the Anti-Vampire Coalition (AVC).
Not everything has been peaches and cream along the way; there have been a few scares.
Earlier this year, a group of Vampire Hunters dressed as Pirates, the fashionable natural enemies of Vampires, burst into what they thought was the enclave of a small group of Vampires. Unfortunately, there turned out to be nearly double the numbers of Vampires expected and the Vampire Hunters were lucky to escape with their necks unpunctured and their pants unsoiled.
"It was pretty brutal," said one of the Vampire Hunters who participated in this raid gone bad. "There must have been at least six or seven of them, we weren't prepared for those kinds of numbers."
A second scare came only a few months later when the Vampires got word of an impending raid and left a mean letter at the location mocking the futile attempt at destroying them.
"Their cold, vampire words really hurt," said Vampire Hunter Hugh Rodger. "Many of us would rather have been killed in a bloodbath or the ensuing Celine Deon concert than reading their very witty, yet still cutting remarks."
"It was quite well written," says another Vampire Hunter on scene. "Knowing that Vampires have that kind of writing skills, it really makes you worry. Could our nation's top writers be Vampires? I'm really afraid that they might be, and that is why we must kill them all."
Despite these and a few other minor setbacks, Vampire Hunters seem well on their way to stopping this terrible menace once an
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