What would Al Bundy say?
on 4/13/2004 (5)
What would "America's dad" Al Bundy say about world events today? Here are some possibilities:
|Life is good. Except for me. |
Smooth Operator: "Al, is it true you had a run in with Hillary Clinton?"
Al Bundy: "I wouldn't call it a run in. It was more of a run over, as in why did the chicken cross the road. All I did was question if it was ethical for poultry to run for the Senate."
Smooth Operator: "Is it true that you insulted her daughter Chelsea?"
Al Bundy: "Insulted, no. I just asked her if she was from the unfeathered side of the family."
Smooth Operator: "What are your opinions on Islam?
Al Bundy: "Islam is pure genius! They understand their wives. That's why they make them wear veils. The female body is not to be appreciated, but to be feared, reviled and in the case of most of the Middle East, kept totally covered at all times!"
Smooth Operator: "Islamic law prohibits the consumption of alcohol. What are your feelings on that?"
Al Bundy: "Preposterous! Imagine a world without alcohol. How many I-love-you-till-death-do-us-part-2-kids-please-shoot-me-for-12-dollars-two-years-later marriages would have been consummated without alcohol? None! How many of my scant-hard-earned-pour-a-fat-lady-into-size-8-pumps-shoe-store dollars would have been squandered on birth control pills for Kelly and pimple cream for Bud? None! How many Home Shopping Network Boris Yeltsin bobble head dolls would have Peg ordered without alcohol? None! How many...wait! I'm starting to see their side of things! Next question!"
Smooth Operator: "How do you feel about the French?"
Al Bundy: "Everyone knows the French hate us Americans. It's because we see things for what they are! What they call escargot we call garden slugs! What they call Chateau Lafite we call sour grape juice! What they call cautious diplomacy we call cowardice! Why do you think they call fried potatoes French fries? It's because they go down easy with a good shake!"
Smooth Operator: "What are your opinons on the space program?"
Al Bundy: "They can land a robot on Mars, but they can't invent a self-cleaning toilet. I personally would rather see the money spent on things that I dreamt about, but never had, like dinner."
Smooth Operator: "Al, are you planning on making a comeback?"
Al Bundy: "Comeback? Al Bundy is still here, always has been...never left. Just as sure I'm a shoeman born and bred, Just as sure as the two piece bikini should not be sold without a license, just as sure that Bud's college education will cost me 720,000 dollars, -which is exactly 720,000 dollars more than I have, and just as sure as the 4 touchdowns I threw in one game at Polk County High, Al Bundy is alive and well.
As long as there is the great institution of marriage, emphasis on the word 'institution', I will be there. As long as there are all night nudie bars, I will be there. As long as there are minimum wage jobs, I will be there. As long as there is cheap cold beer and football on 13" tin foil rabbit eared color TV's, I will be there.
In closing, with one hand on my heart, and the other in my pants, all I have left to say, which in my case is literally all that I have, is America, LET'S ROCK!"
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