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The Slug
by Mark on 4/23/2004 (0)

The Slug, before.
The Slug, after.
Inspired by the hit makeover series "The Swan", the computer industry has created its own version.

PC industry giants Gateway, Microsoft, Yahoo and AOL, The Hershey chocolate co. , McDonalds, Frito-Lay and Coca-Cola are contributing to a new Fox series called "The Slug".

Fox "Arrested development" co-producer, and "The Slug" executive producer Ron Howard explains:

"We looked for, and found, a candidate who had never used a computer in his life for the concept."

Joe Balint of Mayfield hts., Ohio is one of America's tiny minority who had never used a computer. Described as an avid jogger, organic food enthusiast and 'retro-technocratic', Joe led a simple life of dating attractive girls, water-skiing, physical fitness and fast cars.

Enter the slug.

"We first introduced Joe to Byron Weems of Gateway, who outfitted him with a free P4 3Ghz tower, 21 inch LCD monitor and internet access hardware. AOL provided 12 free months of broadband, Microsoft the software, Hershey's and Frito-Lay a years supply of Cadbury bars and Doritos respectively. Classic Coke washed it all down.

The transformation was marked and swift.

"Joe showed instant progress in becoming a slug."

Howard recounts

"He put on 125 lbs in 6 months, lost all interest in girls, -real girls anyway-, cars and health food, and now wastes away long hours into the night arguing on Yahoo message boards, bad mouthing online vendors on reseller ratings sites and ceaslessy surfing free web porn. We couldn't have been happier with the results."

The shows called for all mirrors to be removed from Joe's house and car to prevent him from seeing himself during his lugubrious metamorphosis.

"We're airing the unveiling this Tuesday on Fox, and plan to have all the vendors and contributors there for the event. We expect about 20 million viewers in 32 countries. This should be really sweet, and really, really big.

Howard displayed before and after photos of Balint, the before portraying a fit young man, leaning on a classic restored 1968 GTO with a stunning strawberry blond at his side, the after, a bloated, coffee-table bound gastropod barely able to support the weight of his palm on a mouse

"We'll have police and paramedics on hand for the unveiling."

Howard continued

"The police to keep him from kicking the shit out of us after he sees himself and the paramedics to resuscitate him after he keels over from coronary arrest."

When needled for the obvious ethical dillemma involved in reducing a fit, socially active young man into a wasted, quivering mass of jelly, Howard grinned

"We're planning another 'Swan' that transforms a typical PC addicted bloated internet troll into a fit, socially active youngster. We'll use Joe for that program too...at least we'll know what we'll end up with. Anyway, this is the game corporate America is playing for profit with the lives of the country's young people, and as far as I'm concerned, we're just documenting it!"

Repeated phone calls to Balint's residence resulted in 24 hour static modem tones.




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