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Elmer's announces three new flavors of paste
by Kris on 5/11/2004 (2)

America's poster child for paste eating.
For years, Elmer's Products, Inc. has sold only one and only one flavor of paste. After decades of high public demand from the youth of America, Elmer's has finally decided to began producing an additional three flavors of paste. These new flavors should be available in stores by the end of the month.

"Paste lovers have been demanding new flavors for years," says Elmer's CEO Ludwick Von PasteGood. "Paste eating has finally become acceptable in today's society, we've been waiting for this many years."

The new flavors of paste will be strawberry, orange, and lemon-lime. They will be sold in addition to the original flavor of paste, which will now be known as "Classic".

"We did extensive taste testing before settling on these three new flavors," says Elmer's product developer Steve Wilson. "We also considered dirt, kiwi, and soap but these didn't fair well with focus groups or on the three people who's deaths they caused."

Elmer's began selling paste over thirty years ago as a method of solving the problem of how to attach crudely fashioned paper circles to even cruder fashioned paper squares. While this was a novel idea, just like the pyrotechnics at a Great White concert, it soon went horribly wrong.

"Kids were eating this stuff like it was glue, they never cared much for it's cohesive properties, unlike glue," says former art teacher Susan Sharp. "They were all doing it, they were all doped up on paste and literally bouncing off the walls, and sometimes sticking to them."

This massive outbreak of paste eating among America's youth lead to an uproar from parents and teachers who felt that eating paste was bad for the children.

"Most parents felt that the effects of eating paste would be detrimental to their children's health," says Bob "Glue" Elmer, founder of Elmer's Products, Inc. "In reality though, eating paste is no worse than sniffing glue or doing needle drugs with a used syringe that you found in the dumpster behind your local brothel."

While paste eating has never been conclusively linked to any long lasting ill effects, there was a strong belief held by the mainstream public that it would lead to stunted growth, uncontrollable coughing, loss of bladder control, erections lasting over four hours, poor taste in clothing, blindness, hair loss, and even death in extreme use cases.

This type of thinking prevented Elmer's from producing any additional flavors of glue for many years.

"We saw how much the kids loved the paste, and we wanted to give them more choices," says Mr. Elmer. "We've been planning this for nearly fifty years. We knew the kids would love it, but the parents just weren't supportive of their children using."

This all changed starting in the 1990's and into the 2000's with the rise of other heavier and more potent substances, like crack, cocaine, and pixie sticks. The increased violence seen on television and movies may have also played a part in this shift.

"This all lead to a desensitizing of the people of America," says Josh Taylor, marketing advisor for Elmer's. "People weren't worried about the effects of eating paste like they used to be, they<


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Comments

1. by Mary Ellen Dowling on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
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