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Don't fear the Reaper....unless he's got a gun or something
by Mel S. on 5/17/2004 (0)

If we learned anything from Bill and Ted, it's that Death is a nice guy that cannot play Twister or Battleship.
Death. It'll happen to every one of us. Whether passing away peacefully in our sleep, or driving a souped up hot rod off a cliff in a futuristic wasteland, everyone will die. And don't say you're going to live forever because you're a Highlander, even those guys can die in freak decapitation accidents.

But hey, you shouldn't be scared of death. It should be scared of you. Right now you should just stand up from your computer, slam your fist down onto a table and scream out "Come on Death, you want a piece?” What's death gonna do? Is he going to send you an obscene e-mail? Is he going to try to knife you in the parking lot of Kinko's? No, death won't do anything, because death is a coward.

But wait. Death may be a coward, but he's not stupid. Judging by the very realistic and intelligent Final Destination films, we can see death is a killing machine, willing to create large death traps just to kill a single person. The trick is to outsmart death when he's coming after you, and that's easy to do with this three step process:

Step 1: Watch 'Touched by an Angel'. If we know anything about death, it's that it doesn't like sentimental shows that feature angels helping people. Death should be so shocked by the appearance of Della Reese on the show, he should most likely implode. If 'Touched by the Angel' isn't available, you can also try watching a 'Highway to Heaven' repeat. Death hates Michael Landon.

Step 2: Challenge Death to a death race. If we've learned anything in school, it's that death cannot win in a death race.

Step 3: Rig your house with traps like in the film 'Home Alone', so death can trip on little toy cars and get hit in the face with tools. The results should be very humorous and entertaining.

Still frightened of dying? Well, then listen to a testimonial from this highly paid doctor. "Death is not good for your health." See, even though this doctor knows death is bad for you, he's still not scared of it. And surely you can trust a doctor, I mean, Dr. Zaius was a doctor, you'd trust him wouldn't you?

So as you can see, you don't need to have the fear of death looming over you throughout your entire life. Live life to the fullest, and when you're ready to go, just hop into your trusty hot rod and head for the nearest cliff.


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