Man crashes Windows 98
on 5/19/2004 (0)
It all started innocently enough, Bob Jones decided that he would finally write that long overdue thank you email to his aunt for the kidney she had given him months ago.
|It's not perfect, but at least it's not Millennium Edition. |
"It was a good thought, even if it was a little late," says Bob. "I never imagined it could go so horribly wrong."
Bob opened up his Outlook Express like he always did at the end of the night. He created a new mail message and began typing out his thanks and appreciations. "Thanks for the kidney, I'm glad I'm not dead" he wrote. Then something unexpected happened, something that would change Bob's life forever.
"I was just typing, like I always do, when I heard this loud beep," Bob says, a look of fear upon his face, much akin to the fear a muskrat must feel as it's dangled helplessly above a blender. "I thought it was the toaster at first, but then I noticed the error message on my computer that said 'General Protection Fault'."
Bob wasn't quite sure what to do at this point; he had never seen anything like this before. Even his army training was no help to him.
"I've killed men with my bare hands, and with rocket launchers, but I have never seen anything like this before, I was powerless against it," said Bob.
Fearing it was the work of Satan, Bob called up his pastor to aid him in this troubled time.
"Bob called be late that night, he was clearly shaken," said pastor Don Maxwell. "I know Satan can take many, many forms, but I had to assure Bob that Satan would not take the form of a General Protection Fault, Microsoft has a patent on that and you don't mess with Microsoft, even the Devil knows that."
After reassurance from his pastor that the error wasn't the doing of Satan or his alter ego Martha Stewart, Bob went ahead and clicked the "OK" button.
"Nothing happened," said Bob, reliving that fateful day as a control room operator at Three Mile Island when he had attempted to press the "Stop Nuclear Disaster Button" and similarly nothing happened. "I clicked it again and again and again. Still nothing. It might have been mocking me, I think it even insulted my mother and stole my wallet... actually, I'm not really sure about anything anymore."
After repeated attempts to rid the error message using the tried and true methods of button mashing and verbal abuse, Windows stopped responding and presented Bob with the dreaded "Blue screen of death".
"It was like a terrible blue rainbow," said Bob, reminded again of the terrible paintball incident of his youth that left him with only the ability to see blue. "It claimed that I could hit any key to terminate the application, but nothing ever happened, and I tried every key, some even twice."
Bob even went so far as pressing Ctr+Alt+Del to restart the computer, as the screen instructed him to do, but with no avail.
Bob contacted Microsoft to attempt to troubleshoot the problem, but he received no help from them.
"They just laughed at me and told me my processor fluid was low," Bob said, a tear in his eye. "Then when I inquired how to go about refilling the fluid, they laughed even more. It was just like my high school prom all over
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