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Kerry outlines plan to stop evil robots
by Kris on 6/6/2004 (0)

"I'll stop the evil robots, or my name isn't Douglas Kerry!"
Democratic presidential hopeful John Kerry outlined a plan this past Friday that he contended would dramatically reduce the possibility that evil robots could attack the United States, which he called "the single greatest threat to America since Michael Bolton and his penguin army."

"We need to employ a layered strategy to keep evil robots from laying waste to our cities and forcing our children to work in underground salt mines, lest our future may come to resemble the Terminator series of movies," Kerry said at an appearance at the West Palm Beach Evil Robot Factory in West Palm Beach, Florida. Distribution rights to the Terminator franchise currently belong to Warner Brothers. Should this future ever come to be, countries all across the globe would owe Warner Brothers millions of dollars in royalties.

Kerry called for building a new era of global alliances, modernizing the US military with anti-robot weaponry, making full use of diplomatic, intelligence, and steam power, and freeing the nation from its dependence on evil robots, who currently comprise approximately 35% of the world's workforce.

"If we secure all robot-making materials, ensure that no new materials are produced for evil robots, and end robot programs in hostile states like North Korea, Iran, and Canada, we will dramatically reduce the possibility of robot attacks," he said.

Kerry said securing evil robots and evil robot materials in the former Soviet Union would be a priority in relations between the United States and Russia. There are currently thousands of evil robots stockpiled in Russia, robots that could easily be reactivated and spread death, destruction, and bubblegum pop music across the globe. He also proposed working with US allies to establish global standards for safe robotmanship.

"Robots aren't inherently evil," said Kerry. "They are either programmed that way, or they learn it from daytime television."

As president, Kerry would head an international coalition seeking a global ban on production of materials for evil robots (and also to stop digitally remastered re-releases of early Kenny G. albums).

To help reduce existing stocks of evil robots, the United States should stop developing a new generation of even more evil robots and speed up reductions in the US and Russian evil robot arsenal, Kerry said.

Ending evil robot programs in Iran, North Korea, and Canada would also be a priority, Kerry said, and he proposed closing the loophole in the Evil Robot Nonproliferation Treaty that allows countries and others to use civilian and manufacturing robot programs as covers for evil robot development.

"This loophole is a definite roadblock to stopping evil robot creation," said Kerry supporter and avid proponent of evil robots Jon Dunbar. "Anyone who claims they are building for personal use or to make shoes can create an evil robot in their own home."

Toughening export controls, stiffening penalties for illegal evil robot creation, and strengthening law enforcement and intelligence sharing would also help the United States prevent trafficking of evil robot making materials and co


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