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Zoo opens new Human Exhibit
by Kris on 6/17/2004 (0)

Don't 'monkey' around, get to the Zoo now!
Jefferson County Zoo, located in majestic southern New Jersey, has recently opened a “Human” exhibit. While many zoos have lions, tigers, and bears on display, this marks the first time in the last twenty years that an actual human will be featured.

“We felt people have already seen these other animals, either at zoos or on that television show with the guy that feeds babies to crocodiles,” said Jefferson County Zoo manager Thomas Scrooge. “Few people though have seen an actual human in their natural habitat.”

The human chosen for this exhibit is 29-year-old Randy Wade. Prior to becoming a public attraction, Wade could be seen at Miller and Miller Accounting, performing menial office tasks, falling far short of his full potential, and being a huge disappointment to his parents.

“I was stuck in a dead end job, I knew it was time for a change,” said Wade, a look of optimism, or severe constipation, on his face.

Inspired by a night of drinking and watching monkeys throw feces at each other, Wade came to the zoo management with an idea. Though his first idea for electric dental floss was rejected, the zoo seemed keen on his second.

“It was a very original idea and the more Randy explained it, the more we felt that it just might work,” said Scrooge.

Wade explained how he would live in the zoo, providing a glimpse to the public as to what a human’s life is really like. He went on to explain that he wouldn’t need much to live off and how people would come from all over the country for a chance to see a human in its natural habitat.

“Teenagers come here to watch monkeys throw poop at each other, anything has to be better than that,” claimed zoo marketing managers Susan Coleman. “So we figured, why the hell not? If it doesn’t work, we can always just put him to sleep.”

Randy Wade now lives in the previously vacated Penguin House. Here he can be seen diving for fish, frolicking on fake snow mountains, and trying in vain to fly. The Penguin House had been vacant for nearly a year following the accidental release of Rosy O’Donnell into their habitat, a day the zookeepers refer to as “The day all the Penguins were eaten by a large, fat woman.”

“It’s the most horrible thing I’ve seen since the Chevy Chase Show,” said Jeff Thurman, the zookeeper who was in charge of the cleanup of the Penguin House after the incident.

"It’s the most horrible thing I’ve seen since the Chevy Chase Show."
- Jeff Thurman, Zookeeper
The Human Exhibit has been open for nearly a week now. It has drawn dozens of visitors from all across the country. Randy has been viewed by nearly three times as many people as those viewing slothes and toads combined. Excited fans can often be seen at the gift shop buying shirts and bumper stickers that proudly proclaim, “I saw the human”.

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