Man crushed after not selected to be Kerry running mate
on 7/7/2004 (0)
"I've always been second rate," once said a hopeful Simon Malloy. "What better second rate position to be than Vice President of the United States of America?"
|Good for Democrats, bad for Simon Malloy. |
All was good with Simon until a press conference earlier yesterday when Presidential candidate John Kerry announced John Edwards would be his running mate for the upcoming election. Malloy's dreams were crushed, though not literally like his younger brother Jeff was crushed earlier this year in a classic example of why a 180-pound man should not attempt to balance a 50-ton boulder over his head.
Simon Malloy grew up in the small Nebraska town of Danny Shipman, named after the fabled explorer Danny Shipman who valiantly risked life and limb to travel deep into the Amazon where he single-handedly discovered fireworks and malaria.
"Simon has always been second best," said Simon's mother, Beatrice Malloy. "He was our second favorite son, he graduated second in his high school class, he was the second in our family to contract smallpox."
"We always felt Simon would do great things," said his father, John Malloy. "Not the best things, but a close second."
Simon Malloy attended the Danny Shipman Institute for Secondary Education where he majored in, of all things, Small Appliance Repair. Soon after graduating second in his class, he started his own business, 'Second Rate Appliance Repair and Adult Videos'.
Though he was successful in this field, effortlessly blending appliance repair and pornography unlike anyone before or since, it was his secondary passion that garnished him countrywide notoriety and inadvertently forced him into his political career.
"My second favorite thing to do has always been making robots," said Malloy. "First I made a good robot, then I made an evil robot. In hindsight, creating an evil robot may not have been my best, or even second best, idea."
Malloy's evil robot went on a seven state killing spree before being taken down in a brutal showdown that cost eleven men their lives and caused nearly three million dollars in property damage. As far as man/machine contests goes, this battle was second only in destruction caused to the Deep Blue-Garry Kasparov showdown of 1997 that left thousands dead and a country in shambles.
With Malloy being forever banned from making a robot again by the Robot Maker's Guild of New Hampshire, he took a new second passion, politics.
"Since I couldn't do robots anymore, I had to turn to something I’ve always been moderately interested in, politics," said Malloy.
Malloy proceeded to spend the next 15 years running for assorted local political offices, suffering crushing defeat after crushing defeat before finally being elected harbormaster of Danny Shipman Shipyard.