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Search for missing leftovers continues
by Kris on 7/29/2004 (0)

Eat'n good in the neighborhood, assuming it doesn't mysteriously disappear.
In a sweltering hot apartment, police and volunteer searchers trudge across the unsightly orange shag carpeting, relentlessly combing the refrigerator and surrounding areas for clues to the whereabouts of a missing to-go box from Applebee’s.

“We’re working hard, and we will find it,” said one of the searchers. “It doesn’t matter if it’s behind the milk, mistakenly placed in the meat drawer, or way in the back behind the beets, we will find it.”

A full scale search for leftover fries and half a bacon cheeseburger began Monday, approximately five days after the food was reported missing. Jack Jones reported July 23 that his food was missing and presumed “still good”.

Organizers said the search was moving from neighborhoods, industrial areas, child daycare centers, parks, hospitals, and into more rugged terrain like bogs, marshes, and possibly the ice planet of Hoth.

“Our probe droids have uncovered a lot of activity recently on Hoth,” said one Imperial source.

Volunteers gathered to help search even after Jack Jones came under scrutiny when crumbs were found on his clothing and on his kitchen counter, along with an empty Applebee’s bag in a neighboring dumpster. He also lied to his family and friends about being a “huge rock star” and driving a “solid gold car.”

“Jack has always been a huge liar,” said neighbor Michael Grant. “He claimed on numerous occasions that he killed Michael Bolton, despite it being common knowledge that Bolton is an unstoppable killing machine.”

Police reported that witnesses spotted Jones near his kitchen eating, then near the dumpster where the Applebee’s takeout bag was found only hours before the food was reported missing. He later admitted to having eaten the remaining food, though his mental state was questionable and authorities are still hopeful that they can find the food “in tact and unharmed.”

“We learned a lot of things today that are not true,” said Detective Herman Specker. “Corn has never been charged with vehicular manslaughter, whales are not the world’s most delicious fish, and not even fire-resistant clothing can not stop a charging rhinoceros… And that’s not even mentioning all the lying that Jones told.”

"It doesn’t matter if it’s behind the milk, mistakenly placed in the meat drawer, or way in the back behind the beets, we will find it."
- Some jerk.
Jack Jones, a used car salesman turned communist, was checked into a local hospital days after the food went missing, completely naked except for a pair of leather gloves, suffering from severe starvation and claiming that he was “sent from the future to spread the latest fashion trends.”

Police Chief Dennis Michaels said Jones currently is free to leave the hospital and continue the search, though he must be wearing p

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