'No Sitting' Ban in Restaurants and Bars Lifted
on 8/18/2004 (0)
Earlier today, the city council of Idiot, North Dakota lifted a ten year ban on sitting in a number of local restaurants and bars
|"Don't do it man, it's not worth it, you're throwing away your life!" |
The unanimous decision came after council members claimed that “sitting is every man or woman’s God given right” and those that do not sit are “devil worshipers or communists.”
The ban was imposed after a number of Idiot citizens were killed in a slow moving rockslide, estimated at a staggeringly sloth-like speed of 2 miles per day.
“We all saw it coming, but we just couldn’t get away fast enough,” said Ted Davis, Idiot citizen and one of dozens to be slowly crushed to death. “It was the most painful, slow, excruciating death I’ve ever experienced.”
Scientific studies suggest that the reason for the botched escape was linked to the poor physical condition of the citizens.
“The people were just so used to sitting,” claimed Dr. Harvey Watson, specialist in the field of setting and author of the award winning book ‘The Effects of Sitting on those Who Sit’. “They sat and watched TV, they sat and ate dinner, they sat and told stories of the ‘dark times before the chair’ when people couldn’t sit.”
As a result of all the sitting, the leg muscles of the citizens had become very weak and almost unusable.
“Their legs were like Jell-O,” said Watson. “And I don’t mean that in a good way.”
Sitting appeals to most people because it provides a period of rest for otherwise weary limbs. Many restaurant owners insist on seating in their restaurants, claiming it relaxes people and causes them to “gorge their faces with expensive, unhealthy foods.”
| "It was the most painful, slow, excruciating death I’ve ever experienced." |
|- Ted Davis's thoughts on being slowly crushed to death in a rockslide. |
City officials said the new system will still limit the number of people sitting in bars and restaurants.
“If everyone started sitting again, we’d be right back where we started,” claimed Idiot Mayor John Defacto, slouched over in his massive reclining chair, reaching in vain for a pencil just out of reach. “Don’t just stand there watching, help me!” he later added.
New rules allow for 50% of all customers to sit while the others must stand, lean, or lay down.
“People will still get to sit, but not all the time,” said Watson. “People will be able to get rest some days, and other days they will get to stay in shape, thus lessening the likelihood of another tragedy.
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