Charley Slams Florida; Kerry Slams Bush; Bush Invades
(APR) Washington -- Democratic presidential nominee John Kerry today denounced President Bush’s laxness in allowing Charley, a Level Four Hurricane to smash through Charlotte and Manatee Counties last week and do significant damage throughout Florida.
|Can't we all just get along?!? |
Noting that hurricane attacks on the United States had increased under Mr. Bush’s Administration, Kerry said, “If it had been on my watch, things would have been different. We would never have allowed Charley to make it that far in the first place.”
To a chorus of cheers from a crowd of supporters in Ohio, Kerry added, “Unlike the current president, I actually fought in Vietnam. And let me tell you, I learned something there about fighting Charley!”
The presidential contender added that he thought it highly suspicious that Mr. Bush declared Florida a federal Disaster Area even before Charley hit – but that, under a Kerry Administration, Florida would receive at least twice as much money per hurricane.
At a hastily-called news conference, President Bush said that he thought Kerry’s comments were “highly inappropriative and counterproducting to the nation’s efforts in the War on Terror,” but that he would address them briefly.
“About this business of me declaring a Disaster Area before Charley tragically struck Jeb —I mean, Florida,” the President said. “This Administration stands ever-vigilant to renumerate the population of Florida. What I mean is we are always happy to send money to the brave and politically influential Floridations. As of today, I see Kerry’s double and raise it by $20 million!”
Bush also pointed out that “hurricanular attacks on the United States” were actually 1.8% lower under the past eight Republican administrations. He emphasized that his administration had done all it could to gather sound intelligence of the impending hurricane, but had been misled by false meteorolgists in the secret employ of Iran.
Bush ended the conference by announcing that, in the interest of hurricane-related security, the United States had just invaded Paraguay. “Our estabulation of a new Paraguayinian government will enable the spread of anti-cyclonical ideas and governments throughout the region,” Bush said. He did not take questions from reporters.
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