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So what's the fuss about hot saucing?
by Mark on 8/24/2004 (0)

Hot sauce: Hellfire and damnation in a bottle.
So, what's hot saucing?

Hot saucing is the practice of putting a few drops of a spicy condiment, often hot pepper sauce, on a child's tongue to stop undesirable behavior. Hot saucing predictably has its proponents and opponents, as does any punishment, and has even been advocated in a book for Christian women.

I can understand the Christian women part. After all, the tounge is the root of all evil, right? Fits right in to the notion of sin and burning hellfire, especially the burning hellfire part.

But I think the art of hot saucing needs some further refinement. After all, all peppers are not created equal. A Jalapeno pepper is not as hot as a Chile, which is not as hot as the mother of all internal combustion, the Habanero. There needs to be some level of classification introduced here...

Here's the way I see it:

For light to moderate cussing, done without any specific intent, I think a low grade pepper sauce would be best, like the "mild" kind you get from a Mexican restaurant in tin foil packets. The pepper flavored "ass-kickin' ketchups" fall under the same wimpy catagory. These small calibre pseudo-sauces generate a mild bite at best, and are appropriate for minor verbal offensives.

For severe sassing with the intent to irritate, one of the mid cailbre hot sauces are the proper call to arms, like 'Tabasco', (original only. The chipotle and jalapeno versions have extra-added heat killing vinegar), 'Frank's Red Hot' and 'Arizona Gun Slinger' are adequate munition for the task.

For the really big, big infractions, resulting in the destruction of ego or property, the big, heavy 300,000 Scoville unit artillery sauces are in order. Examples include 'Frieda's XXXXtra hot habanero', 'Blair's mega death extreme hot sauce' (with skull) and 'Sphincter shrinker hot sauce by Professor Payne Indeass.' These are professional sauces, usually only administered by a Cardinal, Bishop or higher, and may require a license to buy, depending on your state of residence.

Keep in mind hot saucing can backfire. Rumor has it Chef Prudhomme got hot sauced so often when he was young, he'd sass just to get more. Turns out he went Cajun. I'm guessing hot saucing is a reward in N'Orleans, not a punishment.

The moral is, if you must hot sauce, do it responsibly, and keep some sour cream and celery sticks around, not just to douse the flames, but to provide valuable calcium and dietary fibre all at the same time.


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