Zombies Work at Blockbuster
on 8/1/2002 (6)
Today began like any other normal day. I woke up at 4 pm after a long night of binge drinking, promiscuous sex with many anonymous partners, and far too many needle drugs. After rescuing the Princess from the clutches of the evil King Koopa, I decided it was time for some video games. Finding that I had inadvertently used my Nintendo as kindling for a still smoldering bonfire, I decided it was time for breakfast. And like any normal breakfast, you need a good movie to go along with it. Unfortunately, the cable was no help. They don’t tend to play movies at such early hours of the day. So I threw on my pants and headed for the local Blockbuster Video. After searching the shelves at Blockbuster for far too long, I found the perfect movie. Yes, you guess it, “Pootie Tang.” With my movie in hand and visions of belt whipping action in my head, I proceeded to the checkout line. This is when I realized… “Zombies work at Blockbuster.”
|"Your movie is due back Tuesday by midnight."|
It is widely known that Zombies, or the Undead, or the Living Dead, are not friends of the living. This can be seen in any of the numerous documentaries about Zombies, such as “Dawn of the Dead”, “Night of the Living Dead,” and “Zombies on Broadway”. They are often portrayed as very evil and seem to have an unending hunger for human flesh. There was a brief movement in the late 80’s to prove that zombies were in fact good-hearted folk that had been discriminated against simply because of their skin color, or often their lack of skin. This movement ended in tragedy though, when the zombies turned on their supporters and caused the single largest zombie massacre ever recorded.
|Scene from the 1968 Documentary "Night of the Living Dead".|
Since then, it has become widely accepted that zombies are no good. Which is why it was so disturbing to see them at such a reputable establishment as Blockbuster Video. Needless to say, I stilled wanted the movie so I tried my best not to make a big deal about it. Things were going well until I punched the zombie in the face, called him a fat zombie pig, and ran out of the store doing my best rendition of “Ding dong, the witch is dead.” Realizing that the zombie was still in possession of my Blockbuster card, I returned to the store. Those things are next to impossible to get replaced, and I would rather face certain death than go a week without my precious Blockbuster card and all the sweet movie goodness that it can provide. I promptly apologized for my previous actions and offered to purchase the Zombie dinner or a small economy class car. After pointing out that he only fed on the flesh of the living, of which he doubted would be served at a restaurant, and that he did not have a valid driver’s license nor any need for a Ford Pinto, he accepted my apology and passed me a flyer of soon to be released videos. I thanked him and went on my way.
Even though “Pootie Tang” is a spectacular movie, throughout the entire piece, I could not stop thinking about my encounter with the Zombie. And it dawned on me. Zombies are the perfect employees for a video rental chain. A human works a typical eight-hour work day, with a thirty-five minute break in the middle, as mandated by law. But Zombies
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