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Disney now requiring background checks for mascots
by Mark on 9/17/2004 (0)

"Nyuk, Nyuk! Say cheese! I've got your wife's ass and your wallet!"
IRVINE, CA - The Walt Disney corp., faced with growing incidents of costumed mascot groping and assault allegations, tightens job entry requirements.

Embattled, glassy-eyed lame-duck Disney CEO Michael Eisner gazed drunkedly from the 52nd floor of his Irvine, California, Disney World corporate HQ office.

"F-For God's sake, I have enough headaches to worry about. I'm getting the boot sometime in 2006, and if that isn't nerve rattling and emotionally wrenching enough, I have to deal with allegations that the drooling idiots we are hiring to wear Goofy and Donald Duck suits are groping women and picking fist fights with patrons. How much weirder could life possibly get, anyway?"

Eisner outlined new hiring requirements for Disney mascots, including a full background check, drug screening and a closed camera system for park monitoring

"There used to be a time when the only requirements for being hired as a mascot were a gregarious personality, a lot of energy, and being able to fit in the silly-ass suit. Now I've got to contend with sexually perverted Tiggers, illegal immigrant Goofys and even a Minnie Mouse hepped up on Vicodin. I just can't take the pressure anymore! What can one man do, anyway?"

When asked when the changes would take affect, Eisner grinned wickedly

"Sometime in 2006. I'll bet you saw that one coming, didn't you?!"h="0" h

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