Small School Experiences Cooties Outbreak
on 9/22/2004 (0)
Health department officials have temporarily closed the Miller County Middle School and sent all the students home after a cooties outbreak shocked this once peaceful town.
|Sweet heeby jeebies, this girl's got cooties! |
The school was closed after a number of boys complained to their mothers' that "all the girls at school have cooties". The mothers went to the local health department and explained the problem.
"It's normal for one or two of the girls to have cooties, but all of them having cooties is extraordinary," said Susan Jenkins, President of the Miller County Health Department. "We decided that we had to have the school closed and the girls quarantined at their homes. If we did not take action, there is no telling how far this cooties epidemic could spread."
Authorities from the health department arrived at the school shortly after lunch on Monday.
"As soon as we set foot in the school, you could smell the foul stench of cooties in the air," said John Mathews, Public Health Inspector. "It was one of the most horrible scenes I have ever seen, and I watched the entire movie Battlefield: Earth."
The boys were sent home immediately. The girls were randomly screened for cooties and then sent home with notes to their parents.
"The note explained the high probability that these girls were carrying the deadly cootie virus," said Jenkins. "Cooties is a terrible plague that has afflicted America's youth since the mid 1820's. We couldn't let this outbreak become even bigger than it has already become."
The note went on to recommend to keep the girls at home and away from others, especially young boys, who are particularly susceptible to cooties.
"The young boys' immune system is concentrated on stopping things like typhoid fever, whooping cough, and double dog dares, it is typically too overworked to prevent infection from the deadly cootie virus," said Miller County health professional, Doctor Idiot.
While these steps may seem like harsh measures for a simple cooties outbreak, they were only taken to avoid a repeat of the tragedy in Munson, North Dakota nearly a year ago.
"We caught the cooties outbreak in Munson, but not nearly in time," said FBI Agent Jerry McLaw. "Everyone in town had cooties, and they all had it bad. By our estimates, half the country would have been infected within the week if something wasn't done."
| "As soon as we set foot in the school, you could smell the foul stench of cooties in the air. It was one of the most horrible scenes I have ever seen, and I watched the entire movie Battlefield: Earth." |
|- John Mathews |
Public Health Inspector.
The government hired independent contractors to dig a giant hole underneath the city of Munson. A small explosive was triggered and the entire city disappeared into the ground. It was then paved<
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