Blood test results in, New York Yankees are Pedro's Daddy
on 10/17/2004 (13)
Weeks ago, Boston Red Sox pitcher Pedro Martinez remarked at a post game press conference "Call the Yankees my daddy". Most people felt that this was a figurative remarked, made due to the Yankees innate ability to defeat Pedro's best efforts. Recent blood tests from current and former Yankee stars may prove otherwise.
|"Who's my daddy?" |
"We leave nothing uncertain," said Dr. Devon Walters, head of the Who's Your Daddy Research Center of North Dakota. "While most people dismissed this as a simple comment, we looked deeper into the issue."
Blood tests were run on a number of Yankees, current and former.
"We needed to find out exactly which Yankees were Mr. Martinez's daddies," said Dr. Walters.
Two weeks later, the blood test results were in and the results were very shocking.
"We found that it was not just one Yankee that was Pedro's father, it was a number of them," said Dr. Walters.
Current Yankees Derek Jeter, Alex Rodriguez, Gary Sheffield, Hideki Matsui, and Jose Contreras all returned positive results. As did former Yankees Reggie Jackson, Mickey Mantle, and Don Zimmer, whom ironically had an on field feud with Pedro nearly a year ago. The grave of Babe Ruth, the most famous Yankee of them all, is currently being excavated so that his DNA can be used to verify if he is also Pedro's daddy.
"We think the Babe may also be Pedro's daddy," said Yankee's general manager Joe Torre. "We know the Babe was in Boston for years, and we know Pedro can pitch. Put two and two together."
Scientists are currently stumped as to how so many people could be one person's father.
"It's unheard of for one person to have so many parents," said Dr Steven McKinney, leading researcher in the field of pathology research. "It must have been one wild orgy, that's all I can say."
| "Call the Yankees my daddy." |
|- Pedro Martinez |
Never really knew his fathers.
Pedro Martinez was unavailable for comment, but we suspect if he were, he would comment about the huge amount of money owed to him in unpaid child support.
"Multiple fathers with very large salaries and eighteen years of missed child support, that's a lot of green," said Dr. Walters. "Though I doubt that will ever be enough to make up for all the lost time between Pedro and his eight or more dads."
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