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Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen are the Same Person
by Kris on 10/26/2004 (27) 
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Clever filmmaking and Photoshopping has helped keep up Ashley's double life. |
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Eighteen years ago, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen embarked on a quest to create one of the biggest media empires in all of the world. These two twins were child stars shortly after birth and have since branched into movies, cosmetics, and video games with a horrible vengeance not see since the early days of the Stalin Regime. Everywhere they have gone, success has tugged on their coattails just like Inky and Blinky grabbing tightly onto Ms. Pac-Man's pink bow.
But after years of unparalleled success, a startling new revelation could bring the entire Olsen Empire down quicker than you can say "a one manned fighter could maneuver a long trench and fire a proton torpedo into a small thermal exhaust port connected directly to the main reactor causing a chain reaction that would destroy the entire Death Star."
"For years, no one questioned that Mary-Kate and Ashley looked identical," said Jeremy Wilson, lead FBI investigator into the Olsen Scandal. "That was until the Olsen Report was released."
The Olsen Report was an independently funded report by the Identical Twins of American Association (ITAA), performed to investigate rumors that there was only one Olsen Twin.
 "We wanted to refute these rumors," said Betty Norman, head of the ITAA. "We were proud of the twins, and we wanted everyone to know for sure they were one of us."
The findings were not what ITAA expected though. In the report, it was discovered that the probability that two people would look identical is out of every one-thousand births, or just over 25%.
"Those odds alone make the possibility of there being two Olsens nearly impossible," reluctantly stated Mrs. Norman.
This raised public suspicion into the rumor, but it was Mary-Kate's recent eating disorder that really tipped most people off.
"Clark Kent struggled for years to be Batman and Aquaman at the same time," said Wilson. "When a superhuman man from Endor can't handle being two people, how can you expect a young girl to do so?"
Mary Kate recently was admitted to a rehabilitation clinic for a supposed 'eating disorder'. Ever since she was admitted, she has not been seen by the public, and this has raised more eyebrows than The Rock at his latest movie premier.
"This was a clever way to write off the character of Mary Kate and let Ashley lead an easier, more peaceful life," believes Wilson.
"Ashley has been struggling for years with being two people," said a longtime friend who wished to remain nameless. "She was always running off, changing in phone booths so she could return to make an appearance as Mary Kate."
"Clark Kent struggled for years to be Batman and Aquaman at the same time. When a superhuman man from Endor can't handle being two people, how can you expect a young girl to do so?"
| - Jeremy Wilson
Investigator and comic book novice. | | "I've known the Twins for over ten years now, and not once have I seen both of them at the same time," said another nameless friend.
Even former co-worker John Stamos shared a similar view of the Twins.
"I never knew until the eating disorder news broke that there were two of them," said Stamos. "I just thought Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen was just one really weird, really long name."
"We expect Mary Kate will be gone for a long, long time," said Wilson. "It is Ashley's hope that if Mary Kate is out of the picture long enough, people will forget this charade she has created and she can live a much easier life as one person."
A spokesman for the Olsen Twins was unable to be reached for comment, still refusing to speak with us after we claimed earlier this year that the Olsen Twins were machines sent back in time to kill Sarah Conner and prevent the birth of the future leader of the resistance against the machines.
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