Election Canned, Football to Determine Next President
on 10/28/2004 (1)
Ever since the election in 1936, there has been a trend in the results of American Presidential Elections relating to a certain National Football League team. If the Washington Redskins win their home game before the election, then the incumbent party will win the election. If the Redskins lose, then the challenging party will win the election.
|Go Pack Go! |
"When the 'Skins won just before my second term election, I knew it was in the bag," said former President Bill Clinton. "It was fate, and not even my marital infidelity and clearly shaky morals could stop it."
Using this logic, a Redskins victory would seal the election for President George Bush and the Republican Party. A loss would give the election to John Kerry and the Democratic Party.
Taking these staggering odds into account, the United States Congress has voted a new amendment into the US Constitution and from now on, there will be no public elections, rather the winner will be based solely on the results of this game.
"Congress voted in the amendment 100 to 6," said Vice President Dick Chaney, unclear of how many people actually are in Congress.
"It just seemed obvious to do," said Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert. "If the winner always matches the game, why waste all the people's time and money with the voting process? This is to save time and money more than anything."
With this new change in the law of the land, millions of dollars will be saved from the voting process and even more time will be saved for the dozens of people predicted to vote in each state.
"This be the greatest rule ever, now I can stays home with the wives and watch the Jerry Springer," said one former voter.
So instead of people cramming into undersized voters booths on election Tuesday, the voters can stay home and watch the results on Sunday afternoon as the Washington Redskins take on Green Bay Packers.
"This is great," claimed one Packer's fan. "I wasn't gonna vote, but now I can stay at home in front of the TV and feel like I'm really part of the democratic process."
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