Man Attempting to Build Desk creates Atomic Bomb
on 11/2/2004 (6)
Following a tip provided by a neighbor, FBI Agents broke into a Delaware home earlier today and arrested the owner, Jerry Walsh, for possession of a nuclear weapon.
|All this trouble from a little desk. |
"This man had an atomic bomb in his den," said agent Ted Snyder. "He could have blown up the entire state."
Neighbors noticed something was suspicious when Walsh was overheard saying "Holy crap, I just built a friggen atomic bomb!"
"The walls here are paper thin, we hear everything," said longtime neighbor Sally Jefferson. "You should hear what this guy does with ducks when his wife is away, it's very disturbing."
"I'm going to kill Sally if I ever get out of here," said Walsh from his jail cell.
Earlier that day, Walsh had purchased a desk from the local Office WareHut, an office furniture store famous for its low prices and equally low IQed employees.
"We keep our prices low by hiring morons," often boasts Office WareHut founder and CEO Harry Sack.
According to reports, Walsh purchased a desk and brought it home to setup.
"When I opened the box and unpacked everything, the only instructions I had were written in ancient Egyptian Hieroglyphics," said Walsh. "I haven't taken Hieroglyphics since high school, that's over twenty years ago!"
Confused by the instructions, Walsh called up WareHut for assistance.
"They weren't much help, both people I spoke to would only help me if I bought them beer," said Walsh. "I just bought a desk today, I'm not made of money."
Walsh did the best that he could to decipher the instructions and put the desk together.
"It was like trying to make a tuna fish sandwich without the recipe," said Walsh. "I spent nearly sixty hours trying to build that desk."
When Walsh had finally completed what he hoped was a desk, he realized it was far from that which he had hoped it would be far nearer to.
"Drawing on my experiences with the Manhattan Project years ago, in which we created the first atomic bomb, I was easily able to distinguish what I had made," said Walsh. "This was definitely a fission bomb."
"Regardless of if he made it on purpose or not, the fact remains he had a nuclear weapon in his home and he did not intend to destroy it as required by the Tony Danza 'No Nukes' Agreement of 1996," said Snyder.
"It didn't think it would hurt anything, I hadn't even armed it yet," said Walsh. "I just wanted to keep it at home as a doorstop or end table or maybe even a desk."
| "When I opened the box and unpacked everything, the only instructions I had were written in ancient Egyptian Hieroglyphics. I haven't taken Hieroglyphics since high school, that's over twenty years ago!" |
|- Jerry Walsh |
Created an atomic weapon from an unassembled desk.
The nuclear weapon that Walsh created is currently in government po
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