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Disappointed Kerry has harsh words for Ohio
by Kris on 11/4/2004 (3)

"Hey Ohio, thanks for nothing!"
Coming off a close election loss, former Presidential hopeful John Kerry had some harsh words for the state he so desperately needed to win but could not conqueror.

“A bunch of jerks, that’s what they are,” said a teary eyed Kerry in an exclusive interview with Smooth Operator. “All I needed was their state to win the Presidency and they couldn’t even give me that. Never mind that their state has lost more jobs than most other states or that Democratic sources have overheard Bush calling Ohio citizens ‘smelly and bucktoothed’. If you don’t believe me, it’s all on my website, JohnKerry.com.”

Then, almost inexplicitly as if he had said something that he wished he hadn’t, Kerry changed his statement.

“I’ve never called all the citizens in Ohio, especially those in Putnam county, jerks,” said Kerry, performing the patented ‘flip-flop’ that has placed him in the upper echelon of political figures along with the likes of Al Gore and Michael Dukakis.

“Dukakis was a great man,” said Kerry.

“No he wasn’t,” responded Kerry.

After a long political battle with dozens of his enemies lying dead at his feet, the Presidential Race came down to Ohio, a state Kerry had worked hard to win but came up just short.

“They fooled me, their exit polls showed me that I was going to win, then they took it away from me,” said Kerry. “It’s not right for a State to be flip-flopping, that’s my thing!”

Kerry then continued his tirade on Ohio.

“They’re too busy in Ohio worrying about their precious Cleveland Cavaliers or Cincinnati Bengals to notice what is going on around them. Will LeBron go for thirty tonight, will Chad Johnson catch a touchdown so the Bengals only lose by thirty? This is a state with their figurative heads up their asses and because of their ineptitude, this Nation of ours will suffer another four years of economic woes, rising healthcare costs, and unprovoked warfare against any country that attempted to kill George Bush’s father… watch your backs Argentina and Guam, you have been warned!”

"All I needed was their state to win the Presidency and they couldn’t even give me that. Never mind that their state has lost more jobs than most other states or that Democratic sources have overheard Bush calling Ohio citizens ‘smelly and bucktoothed’. If you don’t believe me, it’s all on my website, JohnKerry.com."
- John Kerry
Heart full of saddness. And blood.
Ohio citizens had mixed reactions over Kerry’s statements.

“I didn’t really care for Kerry when he was running and I don’t feel any sympathy for him now,” said one Putman county man. “I voted Nadar anyways.”

“I don’t really blame him for being angry,” said another. “If I cost me the election, I’d probably be mad at myself too.”

“That’s downright outrageous of him to say,” said lifelong Ohio


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