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Environmentalist: Squirrels, pigeons not on endangered species list
by Mark on 11/7/2004 (1)

"Extinction? I'll show you extinction, pal...come over here and pull my finger!"
CENTRAL PARK - With over 27,000 species becoming extinct each year, Environmentalists are pleased to announce the adaptative success of two of man's most familiar wild friends.

EPA chairman, Dr. Walter Cox explains:

"With 27,000 more species, primarily in the Amazonian rain forest, becoming extinct each year, We wanted to point out that squirrels and pigeons are increasing to record numbers. Hell, I've got one of those bushy tailed bird feeder bandits living under my awning at home. Scares the living hell out of the mail girl every morning. Pigeons too, all over the damn place. We've even tried to introduce hawks into areas infested with pigeons, but the hawks just eat their fill and get bored like a kid over a bowl of soggy Cheerios."

When asked if the success of squirrels and pigeons was the sign of things to come, as less adaptable species are wiped off the planet, Cox ponders

"I'm afraid so. And the day may come when squirrels and pigeons, along with man, are the only forms of life left on earth. Until the pigeons start eating the squirrels, or visa-versa."

Cox speculates that in such a matchup, squirrels would win because "They're goddamn sewer rats wearing a mink coat, that's why."isplay:none">

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