New Camera Invented that Steals Souls
on 11/12/2004 (0)
In 1943, when Columbus sailed across the several Seas and discovered the United States of America, he found a race of people he lovingly dubbed the “Indians”, named after the real life Indians he had seen in many Western movies.
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Eager to share his discovery with dozens of well paying tabloid newspapers back in Europe, Columbus pulled out his camera and began taking pictures of the land and it’s natives.
Upon seeing themselves immortalized on cheap glossy paper, the Indians expressed their fear of this terrible technology.
The Indians (and later singing sensation Michael Bolton) claimed that the camera would steal your soul, trapping you forever in a 4 by 6 likeness that would be destined to hang on a wall for some odd number of years before being packed away in a shoebox or old cookie tin.
Fortunately this was not true, as was proven in 1987 by the work of Dr. Nelson Walsh at the Kodak Institute.
“The human soul is a very complex, very evil thing,” said Dr. Walsh. “To compress that onto a single photo would take some type of compression technology that won’t be available until November of 2004!”
Years later, in November of 2004, retired scooter repairman Ted Shackelford has created this compression technology and in turn finally a camera that really can steal a person’s soul.
“It’s been my life’s dream to steal the very essence of a person and entomb it forever in a photo,” said Shackelford. “That, and some day, I’d like to eat a really good burger.”
The soul-stealing camera uses an advanced variation of run-length encoding to compress a person’s soul to the size of a typical digital photo. To remove the soul from the person, the camera uses a technology pioneered in the 1984 documentary Ghostbusters.
“Similar idea to the proton packs and ghost trap, but not quite the same lightshow,” said Shackelford. “Just a click and a flash, and their soul is trapped in the camera.”
To store the souls, the camera comes with a 64 megabyte Compact Flash card, which will hold approximately fifteen souls. If that is not enough storage space, the camera supports third-party cards of up to 512 megabytes.
“You can also use the included USB cable to transfer the souls to your computer, either saving them on your hard drive or burning them onto a CD,” said Shackelford. “This way, the number of souls you can capture is limited only by your imagination.”
Many are questioning the legality and moral ramifications of Shackelford’s camera.
“It is wrong to steal the soul of another human,” said Robert Smith. “Of course, I might not be the best person to claim what is right and what is wrong. After all, I married my pet goat Bubbles and together we are proud parents of five goatlings.”
“When you take a picture of someone with this camera, their body will instantly drop lifeless to the ground,” said Jon Harrison, proponent of the camera. “Sure, they aren’t dead, but they might as well be. Without a soul, a body is nothing more than a fleshy shell. I don’t know about you, but I hate shells.”
Religious leaders are also against the camera.
“When a person dies, they should be going to Heaven or to Hell,
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