Friday Mailbag - Thanksgiving Edition
on 11/26/2004 (9)
Every Friday, Smooth Operator's very own Kris reaches deep into his mailbag and answers a very special few questions. If you have any questions that you would like answered, email them to firstname.lastname@example.org with the subject 'Friday Mailbag'.
| Think, think, think... oh bother. |
Q: Why does it hurt so bad when I stick my hand in fire?
In the mid 17th century, when God created the Earth and planted the perennial seeds of man, he created a paradise of monster truck racing and year round fireworks. But woman, who liked things like flowers and rainbows, couldn't stand to see man happy and to spite man ate the fruit from the sacred garden. This fruit was contaminated with illegal steroids, which would have forever tainted the Olympic accomplishments of women. So, in an attempt to make up for years of marital infidelity, man pleaded to God to forgive woman and free them of this plight. God agreed, but only under the condition that man would feel intense pain and scared flesh from the affects of fire, taking nearly a year to recover from such burns. And that is why the 4th of July comes only once a year.
Q: My markers smell so good, yet my parents say I shouldn't sniff them. What should I do?
The only reason that your parents tell you that is because they want all the sweet marker goodness for themselves. By nature, parents are selfish people and have little concern for anyone but themselves. While they try to fool you by giving you money or saying they "love you", it is really a front so that they can get you out of the house and they can sniff your markers. Don't let them fool you, don't fall into their lies, and don't ever leave home without your Sharpie.
Q: I love this girl, but she doesn't even know I exists. How do I get her to notice me?
While traditional wisdom might say to follow her around, hide in the bushes near her house, and write her creepy love letters, I prefer a far less traditional approach. The shortest path to a woman's heart is through excruciating pain and her subsequent pity. And what better way to get to do this than to be run down by oncoming traffic! I like to wait until a car is about to pass me, then step out in front of it. The initial pain and subsequent years of physical rehabilitation pail in comparison to a lifetime of love.
Q: Why do we celebrate Thanksgiving?
In 1942, when Columbus and his Pilgrims crossed the seven seas and discovered America, it was overrun by robots and communists. The Queen of England told Columbus that if he and his Pilgrims could destroy the robots and communists, then they could claim the land as their own and would be free to follow any religion they wanted, as long as it wasn't Scientology, as the Queen was currently going through a bitter feud with L. Ron Hubbard. Columbus and his Pilgrims knew they couldn't do it themselves, so they bribed the Indians with a delicious meal of turkey, corn, and maze. These three groups banded together and rid America of the robots and communists, driving the communists back to Mother Russia and sending the robots to wherever it was that robots came from. So every year, we celebrate the the value of bribery and our hatred of robots with a huge meal.
Q: Do my parents love me?
Sadly, they do not. Remember that toy train that you wanted that they wouldn't buy you? They said it was because it 'cost to much' and you '
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