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Friday Mailbag 12.3.04
by Kris on 12/3/2004 (0)

This makes me look like I'm thinking pretty hard, doesn't it?
Every Friday, Smooth Operator's very own Kris reaches deep into his mailbag and answers a very special few questions. If you have any questions that you would like answered, email them to kris@smthop.com with the subject 'Friday Mailbag'.

How do I make a million dollars in a second?

I'm sure there are literally dozens of ways to do this, but let me tell you my way. First, you create a popular website. Then, just when people are really starting to like your site, you plaster it with dozens of pop-up advertisements. While your readers are attempting to close out all the pop-up windows, you sneak into their homes and search under their couch cushions for loose change. Assuming that an average couch will yield you $1.26, that is only 700,000 couches you must search each second to get your million dollars. It worked for me and it could work for you too.

Is the pen really mightier than the sword?

No, it is not. And if you think otherwise, you are a moron. The pen is a device made for writing. The sword is a killing device, made to strike down your enemies in the most brutal of fashions. The only thing mightier than the sword is the lightsaber. A lightsaber is a lot like a sword, except it uses Adegan crystals to concentrate a beam that can cut thru blast doors, taun-tauns, and even the dreaded Sith. Maybe you pen lovers should try to get Darth Vader's autograph, if he doesn't dismember you with his far mightier lightsaber first.

If you were a cookie, what kind would you be?

I would be a giant tank with missile launchers and jet engines and giant machine guns. I would have triple-plated armor that could protect me from even the world's most powerful nuclear weapons. Everyone would fear me, and I would rule the Earth with a literal iron fist.With that said, some of you might be saying to yourself "Kris, he said cookie, not unstoppable killing machine". But to that I say this: My name would be Cookie, which would stand for Cool Kickass Incredible Killing Machine. I've outsmarted you all again!

How big of a rock can you throw?

The size of rock you can throw is limited only by your imagination... and the size of your huge muscles. Me, I was born with arms the size of a moderately sized tree trunk. I've thrown rocks that are the size of a midsized automobile. In fact, I threw a midsized vehicle once too. It was a Chevy Lumina, cut me off on my way to McDonalds. I picked up that car, tossed it into a Honda dealership, then super sized my Extra Value Meal... after all, tossing around cars tends to make a man hungry, the kind of hunger that can only be cured by a giant order of fries and a huge soft drink.

Where does snow come from?

Neptune. The Neptunians, who were banished to Neptune by Moses for being "big jerks", are angry at our society for banishing them. They have spent the last seven million years attempting to find a way to get back at us. Unfortunately for them, the only thing they came up with was giant snow machines. From their oxygenless haven on Neptune, they continually send snow across the cosmos and onto Earth. While some people dislike the snow and find it "mildly irritating", many others have taken great interest in winter sports like skiing, snowboarding, and doing donuts in a deserted parking lots.<


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