NASA Ends Cheese Shortage by Trading Virgins to Martians
on 12/6/2004 (5)
When US astronauts landed on the Moon in 1969, they found much more than the gray dusty surface shown in the widely publicized Moon landing video.
|My, that's some tastey Moon Cheese! |
After years of silence due to threats of death and claims that he would "never be approved for a home loan", one inside source is finally speaking out against his former employer.
"What we found was a rich and plentiful Martian population," said our source in NASA, whom wished to remain nameless and thus we shall refer to him as Steve Snyder, son of Mike and Darlene Snyder, resident of 127 S. Beach Road, Miami, Florida. "They had built fields of cheese, small mozzarella homes, and some of the best waterslides you'll ever see."
The scientists at NASA, under intense pressure from the US government to secure a new cheese reserve and fearful that the discovery of Martian life would "scare the crap out of America", opted to hide this information and instead made a crude video tape of a couple men in spacesuits hoping around the Kennedy Space Center children's playground.
"I can't believe anyone bought it," said Snyder. "We did cut out the see-saw scene though, so I guess it was somewhat believable."
NASA officials have been steadfast that this is not the case.
"We found no Martians on the Moon," said NASA Deputy Administrator Frederick Gregory. "But had we, I suspect they would have made the most delicious block of cheddar you will ever taste."
"It is true that we didn't find Martian life," said NASA head janitor Luke Sampson. "It wasn't until years later that we discovered them in at bathroom at Disney's Magic Kingdom."
Many people, especially those whom have lived under power lines their entire lives or have sniffed more glue than an average man, don't buy this explanation.
"Up until the day we visited the Moon, the United States was in the midst of the worst cheese shortage in the 21st century," said Idiot, North Dakota resident Ted Walnut. "NASA knew all along the Martians had cheese, and then we went to the Moon and mysteriously, we had a giant cheese surplus in America."
During the early seventies, the United States experienced a cheese surplus like never before. This era, commonly known as the Golden Age of Cheese, saw American refrigerators stocked with an average of nine pounds of cheese each. Many people became so sick of eating cheese that they invented a spin-off of vegetarianism known Veganmanship, something that still plagues the Earth to this day.
Walnut claims that this huge abundance of cheese was due to a deal that sent thousands of virgin women to the Martians in exchange for thousands of pounds of cheese.
"We needed cheese and we had plenty of virgin women," said Walnut. "The government assessed what was important, virgins or cheese, and made the deal."
While there is no evidence to support this claim, Walnut maintains that it is true.
"If it's not true, then explain what happened to all the virgins," said Walnut. "Thousands of virgins don't just disappear or suddenly quit being virgins."
Individuals like Snyder and Walnut have continued to speak out against NASA and it' cover-up of the true story. While they<
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