Man Made of Money has No Excuse Not to Buy his Son Toys
on 12/9/2004 (8)
When Ralph Shepard reached for the new Smooth Operator Action Figure (Mark Motz with Kung-Fu grip), his father uttered a phrase that he would soon live to regret.
|Artist's rendition of what a man made of money may look like. |
"Don't even pick that up, I'm not buying you anything," said the elder Nick Shepard. "I'm not made of money after all."
Ralph looked up at his father and softly replied to him "Yes, you are."
And the sad truth was, Ralph was right. As a tear trickled down Nick's green paper face and dropped onto his dime and quarter covered chest, he thought back to how it had all had begun...
Nick Shepard was a spy for the United States during the Cold War. He was widely regarded as one of the top spies for the government.
"Nick is widely regarded as one of the top spies for the government," regarded the government widely.
He was stationed in the Communist stronghold of Moslengrad along with a number of the government's brightest scientists. They had setup their operations in the old "Second Communist Bank", serving the public's banking needs during the day and working to put a figurative stake through the heart of Communism during the night.
"Everything was going great," recalled Dr. Mathew Linen-Closet, the lead scientist at Moslengrad. "Interest rates were at their lowest point in ten years!"
Then an inadvertent mix-up lead to the Communists discovering the secret US base.
"Our tellers typically make small talk with the customers in order to present the image that we are a real Russian bank," said General Earl Jones. "Well, one of them accidentally mentioned to a high ranking Russian military figure that the bank was actually a front for a secret US operation known by the code name 'Not so fast, Communism'. The teller then proceed to explain how the basis of our project was a slow progressing plan that would create nationwide financial woes that would eventually lead to a collapse of the entire economic system, thus causing the Russians to abandon Communism and turn to the equally sinister but slightly less expensive Capitalism.
"I thought it was a really interesting story," said Simon Wilcox, the teller who tipped off the Communists. "The guy came in with a military uniform decorated with a whole bunch of medals, I was just trying to impress him."
Shortly after hearing of the plan, General Commahe Basstard ordered a decisive military strike against the bank.
"We never saw it coming," said General Earl Jones. "They were on us like ants on day old coleslaw."
The Communists came into the bank, guns blazing. They made their way through the bank, shooting anyone they saw. Fortunately, most of the scientists were away on lunch break and were unharmed. They returned shortly afterward to one of the most horrific scenes any of them had ever seen.
"Besides the movie Ghost, that was the worst thing I have ever seen," said Dr. Linen-Closet.
The scientist found one survivor, Nick Shepard, but he was in very bad condition.
"Mr. Shepard had over three dozen gun shot wounds, five of them in the head," said Dr. Linen-Closet. "We couldn't take him to the local hospital, he left his Blue Cross card in Am
page has been viewed 7880 times