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Friday Mailbag 12.10.04
by Kris on 12/10/2004 (0)

Stop looking at me swan!
Every Friday, Smooth Operator's very own Kris reaches deep into his mailbag and answers a very special few questions. If you have any questions that you would like answered, email them to kris@smthop.com with the subject 'Friday Mailbag'.

Who stole my chair? It was here this morning.

The recent rash of chair thefts sweeping the nation can be attributed to a covert attack by Canadian Binary Robots. These robots, who inherently hate the metric system, feel threatened by things with four legs, they would much prefer their ten legged metric brethren. But fear not my young steed, for this time the Canadian Binary Robots mean no real harm. Expect your chair to be returned shortly, though with an extra six legs (making for ten total).

Did you ever know that you're my hero?

If you mean hero as in the sandwich, then I would have to say 'No'. If you mean hero as in the almighty savior of mankind, then I would have to say 'Yes'. All my life my mother has been telling me how I would one day lead mankind to victory over the machines in a post-apocalyptic world that is similar to the world of the Terminator movies, but not so similar that it would infringe on any copyrights. And then there was some stuff about me being the 'One that would bring balance to the Force' that my third grade teacher Qui-Gon Jinn was telling me about. If that wasn't enough, I'm a terrific bowler. I might be wrong, but I'm pretty sure that it said in the Bible that the savior of man would be an excellent bowler.

Have you ever ridden in a submarine?

No, I have not. But I have lived in one. They have a submarine in Chicago at the Museum of Science and Industry... I lived in that submarine for four months, living off of hotdogs and nachos that tourists snuck in to me. Everyday, I faked a Russian accent and pretended that the sub's nuclear reactor was in a critical condition and would soon destroy all of Chicago. I did it all on a dare, but when I think back, it was the best times of my life.

My girlfriend won't put out. Knowing that you are the ultimate stud, how can I get her to give me some sweet loving?

Well, for your sake, I hope she isn't a fan of this site. If she finds out you're asking me this, I'd say your chances of getting any is gonna be pretty slim. Now since I don't know her personally, I can't say for sure, but this is what always works for me: Juggling huge objects. Things like cars, boulders, refrigerators. Showing off my huge muscles really seems to impress the ladies. Now if you don't have huge muscles like me, then you're pretty much screwed... or should I say, not screwed.

How did you get to be so smart?

Sleep, lots and lots of sleep. Early in high school, I mastered the ancient art of osmosis. This art form was passed down from generation to generation by monks living in the snow-covered Alps of Northern Canada. Bribing these monks with money and expired lottery tickets, I was able to steal their secret art for myself...And then I slept. I slept in class, I slept at home, I slept during football games, and (much to the dismay of my date) I slept at prom. And now, I'm an uber-genious. But you probably knew that already.

And that brings an end to week number three. It's been a good week, not the best week, but not terrible. I can think of at least three things that are worse than t


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